Witticism

Monday's Memory: Paper Cranes

2011-04-03T16:39:00.000-07:00

April 2, 2005

Some time ago I found some packets of rice paper hidden in my closet, rice paper that my padre' brought back to me from Japan about five or six years ago. The rice paper is beautiful; it comes in different colors, designs, and patterns. I decided to play around with the colorful squares of paper, and I folded a simple origami crane--pretty much the only thing I know how to fold. From there, I developed this thing for folding paper cranes, but I got really creative with the whole idea.

Every day for a long time, I would take some time to fold a single paper crane, but before I would fold it, I would write something on the sheet of rice paper. On each crane that I folded, inside was written a single thing or thought that makes me happy--something that inspires me or makes me feel good. I would then fold the paper into a crane, attach a string of thread to it, and then hang it from my bedroom ceiling. After a couple of of weeks, I had a colorful flock of origami birds hanging from my ceiling. I looked forward to hanging up a new bird every night. And not just that, but I looked forward to writing on the inside of them, jotting things down that make me the relatively happy person I am. It helped me to better appreciate those things in my life.

I haven't hung up a new paper crane for a while now. I haven't had the motivation to do so. Ever since March 14th, things have really kind of changed. I look upward at my ceiling when I wake up every morning, and I see each of those colorful birds and wonder when I'll be able to put up another. That rice paper sitting on my desk is slowly but surely collecting dust. I've actually thought about tearing those birds down from the ceiling, unfolding them, and re-reading what's inside each of them. I thought that in doing so, it would probably help me to remember those things that make me happy, so I can look back on those things and BE happy. Maybe I will, but then again, they look so pretty hanging on the ceiling, especially that blue one that hangs from the hook in the corner. Only I know what's on the inside, though. It's a secret.

I found this same packet of rice paper while going through some things in my cedar chest a couple of weeks ago. I vividly remember how that stack of rice paper would sit on my desk every day, and every night I would write something on the sheet of rice paper--something that made me smile--and I would fold the paper crane and hang it from the ceiling. I came up with some quirky things when I was a teenger, especially during that time of my life. Like every other teenager, I went through some "phases". This particular "phase" is something I still don't fully understand to this day, but this "paper crane" idea was a good way for me to remember those things that made me happy. I'll always remember those paper cranes hanging from the ceiling; they were the first thing to greet my eyes when I would wake up in the morning. One day, I think out of anger or depression, I tore all of them down, but before throwing them away I looked inside all of them to read what I had written. For some reason, I can't remember what was written inside the blue one.

Monday's Memory: Prom

2011-03-21T08:48:00.000-07:00

Five and Six years ago this month, I attended my Junior and Senior prom. Just a couple of weeks ago, my not-so-"little" brother attended his first prom. To me, that's a little weird. He's six years younger than I am. Was it really that long ago that I graduated high school? Is my younger brother really that old?

When I was a sophomore in high school, I honestly never thought I would go to prom. I was awkward, tom-boyish, and hung out with a bunch of geeks. I had short, greasy hair, large hips, and acne. I couldn't imagine why ANY BOY in their right mind would want to take me to prom. For some reason, this didn't bother me too much. I was content to just hang out with my dorky friends on the weekend, watching anime, reading manga, and eating copious amounts of sugar and top ramen.

Turns out, I didn't go to any dances my sophomore year. My junior year, I attended the Halloween dance with one of my anime nerd friends. We had a good time, but to me the Halloween dance didn't count as a "real" dance. It was really no more than an excuse for a bunch of high school kids to get together and have a Halloween costume party. I still dreamt of the upcoming prom in the spring; I dreamt of wearing a beautiful, pastel colored dress and slow dancing to some song with some dashing young man.

Finally, spring of 2005 came around, and believe it or not I had a boyfriend (or at least we called ourselves "boyfriend/girlfriend"). It was just a couple of weeks before the BIG Junior prom, and even with all the banners hanging in the locker hallways and commons area, he didn't say anything about going to the prom together. I was losing hope. Even though I had a boyfriend, I wasn't so sure he was willing to take me to the dance.

Then one fateful night the doorbell rang! I opened the door and soon found myself on an easter egg hunt around my front and back yard. Inside each of the plastic eggs was a clue to who was "asking" me to the prom. In the end, it wasn't at all who I expected, but I was thrilled nonetheless!

It was my friend, Willis. We had been friends for a couple of years, mostly through marching band. Even though there were no really "romantic" feelings between us, he was like an older brother to me, always watching out for me and making sure I was happy. Our friendship was nothing more than pletonic, but I loved him very much as a friend. He treated me like I would want any respectful, young man to treat a young woman.

I was so excited! That same weekend, my mom took me dress shopping, and I picked out the most BEAUTIFUL baby blue dress! After that things started to go downhill; my then "boyfriend" (I hate that term for some reason :/) found out that someone else had asked me and immediately became jealous. He used all sorts of methods to make me feel guilty. I cried for three or four days in a row; here I was, getting ready to go to my FIRST prom, and I was being shadowed with guilt. I finally found the courage to stand up for myself, and I decided that no matter how rotten he made me feel, I was going to have a good time with Willis at the prom. NOTHING was going to stop me. My "boyfriend" later apologized to me sincerely, expressing that he had wanted desperately to take me to the prom. But Willis had beaten him to the punch, and he was upset about it. ("Well, why didn't you ever say anything about it?" lol).

The night of March 12th came, and my heart was pounding with excitement. The moment I never thought I would have was coming! Even though there was no limo and no really fancy dinner, and even though my dress wasn't the fanciest on the dance floor, it was still the best prom I could have asked for! :)

The End!!

Monday's Memory: Marching Band

2011-03-14T08:45:00.000-07:00

When people ask me what I did in high school, they give me funny looks when I tell them I was involved with the marching band for four years. Whenever I have filled out job or scholarship applications, and I'm looking for something to write down in the section that asks what clubs/organizations I was involved in, I can't think of anything to put down but "Marching Band".

Here is a geeky confession of mine: from ninth to twelfth grade---for virtually ALL of my high school career---I was a participant in the high school marching band.

It was something my older brother started when HE was in high school. My brother Justin played the saxaphone, and he and his friend Kase were in the Roy High School marching band together. Once she got into high school, my older sister Natalie kept the legacy going by joining the drumline. Me? Well, I didn't play a musical instrument (beside the piano), but I WANTED to follow in my older siblings' footsteps somehow. What option was there for me then? Colorguard, aka "Flag" girls.

Me on the colorguard team, October 2004 at the BYU competition.

Marching band was the base of a lot of drama for me and my friends, but there are definitely some good memories there. I'll never forget sitting out in the freezing, wet weather at BYU competitions, or pulling an all nighter at the Pocatello hotel the night before our competition. We would get high on sugar and soda pop and stay up all night playing water poker or "Super Smash Brothers".

From ninth grade to my junior year of high school, I was on the Colorguard team. After my junior year I decided that I was tired of the drama that came with being a "flag" girl. Since I STILL played no instrument (beside the piano), it finally came to the point that if I wanted to stay in marching band with my friends, I would have to try out for the "drum major" position (the one who leads and directs the band).

Me as the drum major in 2005, Davis Cup Competition.

The day of try outs came, and I was surprised when the Band teacher Mr. Jensen approached me just a few days later and let me know that I had made the drum major position. This was good news for me at first, but throughout the marching band season of my senior year, I regretted ever accepting the drum major position. At least I got to be with my friends! Being the drum major taught me a few things though; I had to be in charge of 50 or so kids. I had to lead them and discipline them when needed, and because of this I gained the confidence required to be a good leader. It was a scary thing for me at first, especially when Mr. Jensen had a heart attack one week into the marching band season. Since he had to be hospitalized, it was up to me to keep the band going. I was shell-shocked at first; how could I possibly be the leader of 50 or more kids? It truly was frightening to me, but as the season went on I found I was forced to gain the leadershp skills necessary to lead a good group of kids.

I could elaborate more on my marching band experience, but for the sake of time I don't think I can. Let's just put it this way; I learned some important things from marching band that I could never learn in any cheerleading squad, MESA, DECA, or HOSA club. I learned to have confidence in myself, to think past my own feelings of inferiority and become a leader.

Me and some of my marching band friends, Davis Cup Competition, October 2005

Wordless Wednesday---Something's Different....

2011-03-09T06:00:00.000-08:00

Lump Returns!!

2011-03-08T18:29:00.000-08:00

It all began when I was twelve years old...

Whenever I saw one of those rotund German beauties cruising out on the road, I would squeal with delight on the inside. Yes...ever since I was twelve, I had my eye set on a Volkswagen New Beetle as my dream car. I dreamed of the day when I would be driving my own little bug--preferrably yellow or green--out on the road, commuting to school or to work, or simply cruising around with friends. Being the pessimistic child I was, I simply thought it would never happen.

For my fourteenth birthday, my parents got me a model size Volkswagen New Beetle. I displayed it faithfully in my window sill for many years, hoping for the day when I would have one not only to display, but to drive!

A few years went by and I found myself approaching high school graduation. While driving through town with my dad one day, I saw a yellow New Beetle on the side of the road next to one of the local parks. Like every other time I saw one, I sighed on the inside and daydreamed a little. As we drove past it, I got a glance of the back window. In white, bold painted letters, it had "FOR SALE" written on the back. A flicker of hope stirred inside me.

With the help of my mom and dad, I was guided through the process on how to get financing for the car. Just a couple of days after my high school graduation, the 1999 yellow Volkswagen New Beetle was all mine. It was like I was living a dream whenever I drove it! I would make up silly reasons to go places just as an excuse to drive it around town. I endearingly called the Beetle "Lump" after this song (there was really no reason for it, other than it's "Lump" shape). Many of my friends and family members loved Lump. In fact, my then-boyfriend's parents were impressed with the fact that I owned such a "neat" little car!

Lump became a part of me...part of my identity. We were meant for each other! In the two years that I owned her, we experienced a lot of things together. Lump was there with me whenever I went to work. Lump was with me when Tannon and I went on our first official "date". Lump was there whenever I needed to escape---to drive far, far away just for the sake of getting away from it all. Lump was there with me when I sat on the shoulder of the canyon road, where I sat for hours one day just thinking about life.

After Tannon and I were married, expenses started mounting and we were looking for ways to save more money. I still had Lump financed, and it was going to save us a good chunk of money every month if we no longer had the loan. I tried to not let sentiment get in the way of reason, and I finally (reluctantly) made the decision to put the Beetle up for sale. A day or two after I posted the ad online, we received a phone call from a very interested buyer. The next week, Lump was gone.

Since then, I've secretly missed that car. It was hard to let it go, but I think it was for the better. I went back to being twelve years old again, sighing hopelessly every time I saw a Beetle out on the road. *sigh* Does anyone else feel the same way about their first car? ;P lol

But I suppose in a way, I gave up something back then for something better now. Ever since Lump drove off to Wisconsin, Tannon has been pestering me on many different levels about getting another "Lump". Part of me was thrilled with the idea of one day getting another Beetle, but the other part of me knew that Lump could never be replaced. On a fateful trip to the junkyard last Friday, Tannon found an almost-too-good-to-be-true deal on this:

And now we call it Lump II :)

I still squeal with delight whenever I see it in our garage!

I love you Tanny!!! :) Thank you for taking such good care of Lump II!!

Wordless Wednesday--Mr. Cactus

2011-03-02T06:00:00.000-08:00

Monday's Memory--My Kaboodle

2011-02-28T08:36:00.000-08:00

I've decided to join in on the "Monday's Memory" posts, thanks to my mom and my sister. The rules are simple: All you have to do is write about a memory......every Monday! Doesn't sound too hard, does it? I would encourage all of my blogger friends to join in on the fun! It's cool to see what everyone is reflecting on!

Anyway, for my FIRST Monday's Memory post......

I actually had a difficult time at first trying to find what to write about.

I mean, I have 17 journals written from cover to cover that are CHALK FULL of memories. But they're mostly full of personal things that I want to preserve for my posterity. Many of them, I don't feel comfortable with publishing on the internet.

I kept struggling for something to write, until I found THIS sitting quietly in the top shelf of my bedroom closet.

My KABOODLE!!!

Did any of you (for those of my readers who are ladies) have these when you were little? I'm not sure if they even make them anymore. I got this little cheap, plastic beauty for my fifth Christmas, so almost 20 YEARS AGO! There's about an inch thick layer of dust on it. For years, it has been tucked away in the deepest corners of my closet. When I first received this kaboodle as a gift, I never kept makeup or jewelry or other girly things in it like it was meant for (I was NEVER a girly type girl). Matter of fact, I think I used it as a house for my hamster instead. When my parents first got it for me, I don't think they would have predicted that I would use it for many things besides its intended purpose. I dunno. Maybe they DID....

The kaboodle serves a different purpose for me now. It has become quite useful.

I don't know where I got the idea, but when I was about 11 years old, I decided to use the kaboodle as a means to keep small, sentimental items in. I wasn't a pack rat by any means, but I did tend to hold obsessively onto little knick knacks that would seem frivolous and meaningless to anyone else. This kaboodle has preserved many items of 'value' to me. It holds some of the things that I treasured when I was a little girl (don't worry, there are no hamsters in there :P)

Cards, trinkets, photographs, and notes....all of them meaningful in some way.

Over the years, I have added to its contents, but generally I've kept the same things in there. I've never had second thoughts about why I keep anything in there, because I know further down the road, I'll hold these trinkets in my hand and be glad that I never disposed of them. The things I keep in here may seem silly to people who don't understand, but to me they are full of value and sentiment. Here are just a few things I've kept in here over the years:

My "Simba" watch that I got when I was nine years old. Even years after the movie was released, I was in LOVE with anything related to "The Lion King". I had Lion King shirts, Lion King stuffed animals, Lion King action figures....you get the idea. The watch, of course, doesn't work anymore.

When I was about seven years old, my mom and dad bought me this charm bracelet. It has all seven dwarves on it from the movie "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves". When I was little, I didn't like to wear jewelry, but I wore this charm bracelet practically every Sunday to church. I thought it was "real" gold, and even though I know better now, it still has a lot of "value" to me. I wish I could find the Snow White pendant that came with the charm bracelet. I lost it a long time ago.

My ladybug pocket watch. I got this from Shopko when I was in sixth grade. There wasn't a day that went by when I didn't have this clipped to one of the belt loops on my pants.

I brough this pouch of rocks back from one of my family's many many trips to California when I was a kid. I'm sure I handpicked these rocks from a bin at a cheap souvenir shop, but to an eleven year old girl like me, they may as well have been gold or diamonds. I'll never get rid of them!

My first pair of glasses from when I was seven years old. My mom actually found these in her own house just a couple of years ago and asked me if I wanted them. Afraid I would regret getting rid of them, I decided to keep them. I remember when I was in first grade, I thought I was so cool because I wore glasses....that is, until my classmates started telling me I looked like a dork :P

A pouch of mixed coins my Grandparents brought back to me from the Baltics, a place I have always wanted to visit.

These are two of the very few pieces of jewelry that I have treasured throughout my life. The top one is sterling silver (I believe). My parents got it for me for my twelfth birthday. I wore it every day to school when I was in sixth grade. One day, it fell off my wrist somewhere in the school soccer field. I walked into the classroom after recess, hysterical. Several children in the classroom (including a boy I had a huge crush on) went together outside and immediately started combing the soccer field, unbeknownst to me. Within minutes, the bracelet was brought back to me. I was so happy, and it made me feel so good that so many people wanted to help me. The bracelet was very special to me, and I would have been traumatized if I never got it back. The bottom bracelet is one I bought from Mervyn's for $25.00 when I was eleven. I had saved up babysitting money in order to buy it.....of ALL things. I was convinced that they were really precious gemstones. When my friends and I would play, I would pretend that the bracelet had special elemental powers......yeah, I was a geek. :P

Every once in a while, I'll look back into the Kaboodle just for fun. I always catch myself reminiscing while going through its contents. Each item in there has a special memory attached to it.

Well, there is my first Monday's Memory post. Hope you enjoyed it!

Milestone

2011-02-24T19:34:00.000-08:00

Believe it or not, that is a GENUINE ponytail!

My hair hasn't been this long in over 8 years. For years I styled the short, jet black pixie cut that became almost a signature for me. I did this from the time I was a junior in high school until about 1 year into my marriage. From the time I was nineteen, I've tried MANY times to grow my hair out, but each attempt turned into an ordeal. In the end I became frustrated, made a last minute call to my stylist, and chopped it all off.

I finally decided that even though I'm partial to the convenience of pixie style hair, I really wanted to experience long hair again. I wanted the more feminine look; I wanted the feeling of long hair cascading down my back. After a "caving" episode in July of 2009, I vowed that I would never cut my hair short again until it had grown out. As silly as it may sound, this has been quite the journey for me. Having longer hair is just plain....weird. It feels almost as if I'm breaking some kind of law; I'm going against one of my own personal standards.

So what's the big deal about today? Well, I tied my hair up in a ponytail. Actually, I've been doing this ever since I've been able to tie what little length of hair I had in the back of my head, but until now it was just a pathetic little sprout, a teeny little stub barely held together with an elastic. But TODAY---today, it's dangling. I can't get enough of how it feels when I whip it back and forth. It actually has length to whip back and forth. It's so strange.....I haven't felt this since I was in junior high.

I'm determined not to give up. Though my hair is extremely brittle, one day it will be long and healthy again. I have about another year and a half or so before it gets back to its original length. Anyway, I feel like I've reached a huge milestone. Before I know it, I'll look like THIS again! :)

After looking at that first picture....I'm starting to think I have a long-ish neck....Now that I think about it, back in high school, my friend Mary made a comment about this. She said that long necks are 'beautiful'.

I dunno.....ARE they? D:

Wordless Wednesday

2011-02-23T06:00:00.000-08:00

I've noticed that quite a few of my fellow bloggers are participating in "Wordless Wednesday" (my mom and my cousin being two of them). I thought, "What's the harm in giving it a try?". It looks like a lot of fun, so I'll give it a shot. If I'm not doing it right, someone let me know :P Afterall, I've had a months-long absence from the blogosphere, and it looks like there's quite a bit I need to catch up on.

How it works: From what I understand, every Wednesday you post a photo on your blog....JUST a photo without really any text. Now, I'm not absolutely sure if the photo has to be from that very same day, or if it can be just any photo, but I think the whole point is to start conversation or force you to use your imagination or something.....I'm brand new to this so I can't say for sure :P

So, I thought this would be a good way to re-enter the blogosphere. Here is my photo for my first "Wordless Wednesday". Enjoy!

This should be fun! :}

Missing In Action

2011-02-22T09:36:00.000-08:00

Wow. It's been quite a while, hasn't it?

In case you haven't noticed, I've been MIA (missing in action) for about four months now. Just a few weeks ago, I was looking through all my old blog entries and considered deleting this blog altogether. But I know that later down the road I would regret it. Though I don't always treat it like such, this blog serves as almost a secondary journal for me. I'm somewhat OCD in the sense that I cling to anything that has a trace or shred of a good memory attached to it. In other words, I'm extremely sentimental and therefore reluctant to get rid of anything that has any sort of sentimental value....old notes, cards, fortunes from fortune cookies, tickets and programs from memorable outings with friends....you get the idea. Just this morning, I was looking through a small notebook that I write "To Do's" in. I must have about three months worth of "To Do's" written down in there. I debated this morning whether I should tear out all the old pages and throw them away. "But what if I want to look back years down the road (out of sheer curiosity) and see what I was doing in March of 2010?" whispered the little voice in the back of my head. "Besides, it wouldn't do any harm in keeping them, would it?"

So I won't get rid of it. Not yet.

I guess there were a few reasons for this blogging hiatus of mine. For a few months now, I've been going through what my friend Candice would label an "existential crisis", though I didn't realize it for a really long time. I suppose that after all the stress of life piled up onto me, I suddenly went into "autopilot". Most people cry and have meltdowns when they are overwhelmed with stress. I sometimes do this, but my main coping method with stress is to mentally and emotionally "shut down". I've also been notorious for masking a lot of my emotions. But this isn't the point. I've been extremely preoccupied with school lately. My type of work has changed at the credit union as well, so my work load is larger and more involved. With this new type of job, I am sometimes required to do studying oustide of work. Studying and homework keep me busy most of the time. Thus, no time for blogging.

I'm not even sure if anyone reads this anymore, but the issue of 'privacy' has had me questioning for a long time whether I should continue blogging or not. While I try to screen most of what I write so there aren't any TMI's or anything TOO personal, I inevitably end up writing something and regretting it later on. Whether it's sensitive material I unintentionally published, or personal details that I don't want haphazardly floating around the world wide web for everyone to see, I've decided that nothing you write down is ever completely private, and someone SOMEWHERE will find SOME WAY to exploit it. I also have a tendency to get caught up in some of the things that I write, only to find that my blog post has offended someone when it wasn't my intention to do so in the first place. I can also become very emotional about some topics, say more than I mean to, and before I know it I'll end up preaching self-righteously to my blogger audience. I admittedly am an airhead sometimes, and I sometimes write about things that I don't MEAN to let everyone read. I have embarrassed myself on many occassions because of my lack of discretion. I'm working on it. I sometimes forget if I'm writing in my personal journal or if I'm writing a blog post.

That brings me to another reason why I've taken a break from blogging. I've been a faithful journal writer since I was sixteen. Whenever I blog, it feels like I'm neglecting my journal writing more and more. In fact, ever since I've started a blog, I've had less motivation to write things down in a journal. I certainly can't write everything down in a blog post that I can in a journal, but I love blogging to stay in touch with friends and family and to see what is going on in their lives. I follow lots of bloggers who are excellent writers; I love to read about their experiences, their memories, lessons they've learned.

So I'll stick around....at least for a little bit longer. I will try to blog as regularly as I can (not that anyone won't care if I DON'T :P). I've been pretty iffy lately about having stuff out on the internet, so we'll see how I feel about this after a while. Stay tuned!

Hard work really DOES pay off! :)

2010-10-07T08:46:00.000-07:00

I felt this was blogworthy enough to post here!
I just need a little something to make myself feel better, to reassure myself that the stress that comes from going to school is really worth it:

I just received an email from my zoology professor concerning the last exam.
Apparently, out of the 35 students that took the test, my score was the HIGHEST! :) And I didn't do too bad on the first exam either!

I guess taking notes like an OCD freak isn't such a bad thing after all!

That'll keep me going throughout the day.

Ode to October

2010-10-02T22:49:00.000-07:00

October 2, 2004

October has got to be my favorite month of them all! This is the time of year when all the trees are changing their colors and when the sky begins to darken. The wind starts to blow and it gets chilly enough outside so that you have a good reason to wear a scarf and a hat to school. Maybe if we're lucky enough, we'll get some snow near the end of the month like we did last year!

But I love autumn so much! There are so many beautiful things about it. I like to walk around on the pavement and hear the fallen leaves crunch underneath my feet. I enjoy seeing the beautiful colors on the trees and I love to watch the mountains turn from green and brown to red and orange. And eventually, the trees are completely stripped of their leaves, and the leaves cover the ground so you can rake them up into a huge pile and jump in them afterwards. Then the wind grows cold, and you pull on a warm sweater and it feels so good to be outside. Most of the time, the sky is gloomy and overcast. Rain in general is such a soothing, beautiful thing, but there is something different and exotic about October rain that makes it so much more special, so magical to me.

I love autumn. There are so many things I love about it! But there is one thing about it that makes autumn very, very, VERY special in particular.

And do you know what that special thing is?

My birthday! Bwahahahaha!!

No, just kidding! But I am really looking forward to turning 17! I think I might just throw myself a party! I'll invite all my friends! Yay!! It would be fun!! ^_^

Oh, and you know what else I love about autumn? Candy corn! And Halloween! And jack-o-lanterns! Yay!!

October 2, 2005

Do you remember last year when I was so excited for October to start, and I went off telling you just how much I loved it? I do love October, for several reasons: I love the autumn colors--the way the mountains to the east turn red and orange, and the hills and trees come out with their colorful autumn cloak. I love the little things about October, like the jack-o-lanterns, corn fields, pumpkin patches, the mounds of raked-up leaves on the neighbors' lawns. I love the chilling autumn weather, the gray overcast sky, the cold breeze, the deep violet and bright orange sunsets, the smell of the trees, and the way you your nose instantly freezes up when you step out your front door into the October weather.

October is a magical season, to me, anyway. It's essence, its aura--it is all very mysterious and exotic. I find that there is no word sufficient to describe its beauty.

My eighteenth birthday is on the twenty seventh. I'm becoming an 'adult' soon. Quite honestly, I've thought very little about the actual birthday, but I have done a lot of thinking about this transition into 'adulthood'.

October is also the month of Halloween, a holiday that I find very enjoyable. The Halloween dance is this month, and I would love to ask a certain trumpet player to go with me. I'm not absolutely sure how that will turn out. We'll just have to wait and see.

Hmmm. I've thought about dressing up as a fairy for Halloween. Everyone says I'd make a good fairy.

No doubt about it. October is my very favorite time of year.

October 13, 2007

I so love these overcast autumn days. I simply love the month of October. I love the grays in the sky, the reds, oranges, and golds on the trees, the chilly breeze, the cool air, the refreshing scents of the season in the wind. I love wearing scarves and jackets and being outside even though its cold--and drinking hot cider and watching the autumn sunsets out the window--waking up to the crisp fall morning. It is the most incredible time of the year for me, simply because I can--almost feel that season INSIDE of me, like it is a part of me! I feel like it is in October that I thrive, that my brain surges with creative juices, that my body feels in harmony with nature and the world. In October, I feel like a werewolf does during the time of the full moon, or how a vampire thrives during the darkest of night. Ok, I'm sorry, but I couldn't help not using the analogy :P It's almost Halloween, and Candice lent me one of her favorite vampire books called "Sunshine" by Robin McKinley. I must confess that I've been very interested in vampire mythology because of this book. VERY interested. Oh, don't worry

Somehow I thought this year that I would savor every day of the autumn season, that I would spend every day of October doing something to enjoy and relish it. I want to go to corn mazes and carve pumpkins; I want to eat candy corn and pick up the colorful leaves that have strayed from their branches; I want to watch the eerie sunset from my apartment window, and watch how gray fades to yellow and then to purple and then black. I've wanted to do everything I could to not let this October waste away, but unfortunately, I've been very occupied with my two jobs and "wifely" obligations. Not that I mind them at all, but I'm afraid that by the time November comes around I will not have been satisfied with how I spent my October, and I will regret not savoring it more.

We will see, though. I will thrive in this October while it lasts. I did have the opportunity to venture into the ravine behind my apartment complex, and there I got to experience a bit of colorful, soggy autumn--but it was nothing compared to being out in the foothills back home. I'm almost afraid that I'll never get to experience that feeling out in the foothils again, due to their being suburbanized.

October 2, 2009

I feel bad for not writing my first October entry earlier (yesterday), but school and work consume most of my time.

It's kind of funny. October isn't quite as glamorous as I used to think. Don't get me wrong. I still THRIVE in October, but now that I've found out how special it is to everyone else, it has sort of lost its luster in a way. The first day of October this year was a clear, chilly day, not overcast as I had hoped, but beautiful nonetheless. September the 30th was a very dark and rainy day, the kind of days that I dream for in October. I had to wear my winter coat as I walked from one end of campus clear to the other. I've been unusually intolerant of the cold lately. When I was a little younger, I didn't mind freezing in the cold; matter of fact I wanted it. Some stupid, masochistic part of me wanted that pain and didn't mind it. But now I can't welcome it. I wish I could remember how invigorating it felt to welcome and embrace the cold.

The colors are coming a little sooner than I thought. I still haven't had a chance to go up to the mountains to see them in person. Now I'm afraid it's too late. It's probably freezing cold up there by now.

But it's only the 2nd. There's still plenty of October left for me to savor it, unless I manage to get tangled up in homework. How did I manage to do it when I was in high school?

And there's still halloween, and my birthday, and our trip to Washington D.C. and North Carolina for Aunt Ann's wedding. I want to buy a new dress that will match her color scheme (light green or blue).

And there's still time to stay inside and write while it's cold and cloudy outside, and there's still time to wear scarves and sweaters.

I remember a particular October four years ago. I was so full of creative energy. Matter of fact, it was in that very October that I found the courage and energy to start writing "Children of the Kismet" after years of deciding whether or not I should put the story down onto paper. At the time, I still did not have a title for the story. It must have been several months later that I finally came up with an appropriate title. I'm actually amazed at how far the story has come. It's been four full years, and I had planned on it being finished by now, but what can I say . . .I'm a slow writer, but even though I'm a slow writer the story is developing at the speed of light. The first installment is almost done. I'm at the part where Deveron and company are leaving Algus Manor to reach Lord Amraton's estate. This is right before the martyrdom of Otholor. It will be a very hard and emotional process for me to write this section.

I remember those late nights four Octobers ago where I would stay up and write write write until I was mentally exhausted, whether it was in my journal or on my computer. And then there were evenings when I would dress up in my warm clothes, become a recluse, and do nothing but play Half Life 2 in the darkness of my beloved room downstairs. The funny thing is, I got pretty decent grades in school that year, but I never remember doing an ounce of homework at home. It was always writing or playing the piano. Why did my parents think I lived such an unhealthy lifestyle then when I got decent grades and spent my free time doing constructive, creative things?

I remember loving and loathing life at the same time. Months before, I'd hated myself so much that I began to think and do irrational things. I remember loving solitude. I had decided one day that I had no need for friends. I remember going to marching band competitions and naively flirting with boys as we sat in the bleachers at those competitions. I remember lying in bed and drinking herbal tea as I read my favorite book, "The Golden Compass"; I was in such a state of self-pity because Josh had decided at the last minute that he did not want to go to the Halloween dance with me. I didn't get to wear that beautiful fairy costume of mine, but I wore it last year and was surprised to see that it actually fit. I'm not sure if I'll wear it this year though unless I can manage to lose 10 pounds.

I remember walking home up 500 west after school. Sometimes it was freezing cold. I didn't always have a car to drive, but when I did I would take Andrew home. On the days that I didn't, we would walk home together. We would walk up 500 together until we reached the Canal Road, and Andrew would take the Canal Road home and I would continue walking up hill. I remember we would laugh so hard as we walked up the hill that we couldn't breathe. Andrew was probably one of my best friends at the time. Somehow, he was the only person out of many who could coax a laugh or a smile out of me because of his goofy personality.

I remember how alone I felt at times, but I loved it. I felt happier and stronger when I was alone. It wasn't that I hated people; I just liked being to myself, my RAW selft without having to put on a face in front of everyone. I was at ease when I was to myself because there was no one to please, impress, or be forced to connect with.

All these memories and feelings are defined by the beauty of October. I sometimes long for those days again, but rest assured I will look back on these times right now with the same fondness, someday in the future.

Because I'm currently in a blogging drought, and I have nothing else to write about . . .(hey that rhymed)!

2010-09-26T21:56:00.001-07:00

Journal entry written exactly six years ago and another written exactly five years ago . . .geez, I've changed :/

September 27, 2004

Well, today has been considerably better than 2 days ago. I felt much better today. I smiled, I laughed, and I talked with my friends. So, I guess today was a pretty good day, except Ben and I had to listen to annoying, redneck country music throughout all of art class, and that was nearly unbearable. As my seminary teacher Brother Jacobs says, "It's influenced by the devil himself!". He was using sarcasm, of course, but I thought that was pretty funny . . .AND true. Yes, my art teacher is a hick! But the rest of my classes were very (or at least semi) enjoyable. While sitting in physics class, I found this barb of copper wire on my desk. Just to tease, I threw it at Zach while he wasn't looking. Then we just started throwing it back and forth at each other throughout class time. Well, one time when he threw it at me, it landed in my hair and got all tangled up, and it was REALLY hard to get out, and it hurt to take it out also! Other than that, nothing much happened today.

I guess Rupert decided to sleep in this morning because when I went into the kitchen this morning, I couldn't hear him playing pool downstairs. Maybe he went out to breakfast with some friends or something. I don't know. I'm just not used to not hearing the billiards clang together in the morning. Well, hopefully Rupert will be back tomorrow. ^_^

I felt so much more comfortable today than two days ago. Since I fixed the problem that I was experiencing, the day was less stressful and I felt more comfortable around everyone. But I think that I may have exaggerated the severity of the situation just a wee bit too much. Well, I just hope that things can go on smoothly from here on out.

Oh geez. I just remembered how much homework I have! Will I never be free again as long as I live!?

I had an interesting dream lastr night. I had a dream that every one of my friends (well, not every single one of them) all wrote me letters. Upon reading all these letters from my friends, I discovered that some of them were really short, only a few lines long, while others were pages long! The longest letter, which I received from my good friend Brittney, must have been at least ten pages long! All the others were either really short or of medium length. But I guess what this dream means is that of all my friends, I think I can trust Brittney the most. I mean, most of the time she's hyperactive and weird, but when I really need to, I can really talk to her about anything. I called her when I was feeling down the other night, and talker to her made me feel really good. She can also really make me laugh when I'm sad. I really trust Brittney a lot. And don't think that this dream is revealing "favorites", because I love all my friends equally, no doubt about that. But Brittney in particular, I can put a lot of trust in her.

But I thought this was hilarious: the shortest letter, which contained only a few lines, was from Ben! Don't worry, he's still my very good friend, and I enjoy and value his friendship.

But I can't help but think that the length of these letters was related to the person's height. Hmmm . . .

No! Just kidding! ^_^

And guess what? I received NO letter from Nate at all! How disappointing! I guess he didn't care to write! Oh well! I love all my friends!

I'm hoping tomorrow will be another good day, better than today even! I actually got all my math homework done! I think tomorrow will be rather enjoyable! Especially since I get to see . . .um, nevermind!

Good night! ^_^

---Jossi

September 27, 2005

I'm not sure I have much school spirit. Yesterday morning was our school's homecoming assembly, and I was one of the few who actually didn't attend. Instead of sitting out in the freezing cold in the bleachers at the football field, I went home right after marching band practice and finished writing a communications essa that I didn't finish writing the night before. I'd hate to have a bad attitude about it, but I could care less about Homecoming week even if it is my senior year. I just don't have a whole lot of school spirit, I guess. I do have to lead the band in the Homecoming Parade, but I find that I'm liking this Drum Major thing less and less every day, not necessarily because of the work, but because of the reputation I've earned with some of the band members. Despite my lack of enthusiasm for Homecoming Week, I am very excited to go to the dance, even if I didn't get asked by the person I wanted, but I just know that Andrew and I will have an awesome time together, laughing, joking around, and having a lot of fun.

Speaking of which, since the dance is this Saturday, I was in a hurry to go find a dress, so I went out and bought one yesterday. I bought it from the same lady who I got my prom dress from. My dress isn't terribly formal; it's black with pink flowers embroidered on it. It wasn't really the dress that I wanted, and to tell you quite honestly it wouldn't have been my first choice, but I really didn't have much of an option. It is pretty cute though. I really wanted this fabulous black and white one that I loved, and it wasn't too much more expensive than the flower one (only $10 more), but my mom didn't like the way it looked, and she wasn't willing to help me buy it. So I had to settle with the flower one. I'd hate to say it, but my mom kind of chose out my dress. I didn't have a choice, though. I couldn't buy the black and white one on my own--I couldn't afford it. In addition to that, I didn't have time to go other places and dress shop due to school, work, homecoming parade, marching band performances, etc.. So since my mom offered to pay for half of the flower dress, it was only reasonable to settle with that one. I think my mom liked it a lot more than I did. I mean, it's pretty cute--it's okay. I'll learn to like it. After all, it's just a dress that I'll wear for just one night. At least I have a nice dress, and it only cost me about $35. Not too bad. It's a cute dress.

I've come to a discouraging conclusion that most of my "friends" are no more than just casual acquaintances now. Really, I don't have any one person now that I can tell anything to--not even Brittney; she's caught up in her silly internet life, and it's apparent to me that she spends more time with other friends rather than me because she's more interested in them. There are other things about her that I've noticed--not necessarily TERRIBLE things--but I have a lot of respect for her, so I won't say them.

I guess this whole "drifting away" deal is mostly my fault, though. I just feel that I don't "fit in"--I feel "out of place", and I have therefore intentionally stayed away a bit. I don't inted to completely or permanently lose sight of them, however; I just thought I needed to change my distance between them. It's like we're so . . .different. I haven't determined yet whether this change is good or bad. Perhaps the future holds the answer.

I used to have very vivid dreams. I could wake up in the morning and easily recall them in detail. I used to dream a lot like that. I was able to store them away in a vault, down to the last minute detail. I could reflect back on them, interpret them, and remember how they made me feel. My mind used to contain a whole library of dreams; I could check them out whenever I pleased, hold on to them, and exchange them whenever I wanted for other dreams that I wished to remember . . .or renew them if I desired. Not just dreams, but many many memories! Both good and bad, happy and sad.

For the longest time now I haven't been able to dream, or at least I can't remember any of the dreams I have. It seems so long since I've been able to achieve REM sleep, and I wonder if this is because I haven't been able to sleep deeply for a long time I used to be able to effortlessly remember the dreams I dreamed the night before, and I used to have such wonderful, colorful dreams! But I can't do that anymore. Has my ability to dream gone away? Is it this stupid medication that's responsible?

I miss that--having dreams like that. I wish I could figure out what's wrong. I certainly hope the dreams come back.

--Jossi

I'm Still Here

2010-09-22T07:53:00.000-07:00

No . . .this post has nothing to do with Joaquin Phoenix and/or his freakiness . . .

Just letting you guys know that I'm still here. Though I was swept off the face of the planet for a while because of a little thing called SKOOL, I have reemerged into the blogosphere, at least for a little bit.

First things first, I am now back to the art of "receptionry", meaning I have left the call center and am now back at my regular workplace. To sum up my experience there: I don't think I could work there for a living :/ Plus, being back in my normal work realm allows me a little bit more "leisure" time. Not that I'm slacking on the job, but it helps that I'm not answering phone calls literally one right after the other. Phew. What a relief. At the call center, I didn't even have time to breathe between phone calls lol.

School of course started last month, and that's the biggest thing that's been taking up my time. Funny thing. For the past two semesters I've taken the exact same credit hours, but I never remember being this busy those past two semesters as I am during this one. Why is that? I'm currently taking a math class, (another) art class, and a zoology course of science credits. So far, everything seems to be going smoothly, and without bragging I think I'd like to say I'm making pretty good grades. Maybe it's just part of my SEMI-OCD-ness, but I've been obsessively taking notes and studying every chapter. I've been FORCING myself to internalize information, to remember why it's important, to IMPRINT it on my brain. Needless to say, I think I've met my capacity as far as schoolwork and studying. I don't know how you crazy people can do 12+ credit hours in a single semester. I have a hard enough time doing 9!

Aside from school and work, I've also been working earnestly to finish this mural. I know what you're thinking . . .I started this project MONTHS ago and should be done with it by now. The truth is, I'm lucky if I can get just TWO nights out of the week where I can go up and paint. Work and school almost swallow me whole! My poor mother in law. I'm sure she's thinking she'll NEVER get her dining room back. But really and honestly I'm doing my best to get it done as fast as possible without sacrificing quality. Lucky for me, I'll have all the week's homework done tonight, meaning I'll have Thursday and Friday to paint.

I've gained a lot of experience and fulfillment out of working on this project, though I severely underestimated the amount of time, resources, and energy it would require. I'm learning to become a more disciplined artist by avoiding shortcuts and paying closer attention to what exactly I'm painting. I'd like to think that the mural is turning out rather well. Then again, it does have a certain motif that some may like and some may not. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, after all. I'm dedicated to finishing this mural within a month (I know I've been saying that for the past couple of months already, but I think I finally have the drive and MAYBE the available time to actually do so this time). I have a feeling that even after this mural is done, I'll be wanting to paint MORE. Let's see, I have an extra bedroom in my house that currently is not being used. Hmmmm. I wonder if I could use its walls as an 'experimental' canvas of sorts.

So outside of work, school, and painting, I somehow manage to fit a few other things in the teeny tiny margins within my hectic schedule, but there are some things normally in my agenda that I'm forced to forego. On a couple of occassions, my friends have invited me to come play games with them. I feel bad when I have to decline because of loads of homework, especially when one of those friends comes all the way down from Draper and the other comes all the way down from Provo. I've also had to cut out any recreational drawing because I don't have time to doodle with all the homework I have (at least I can still paint, right?). I've even had to call my piano teacher and tell him that I'm having to take a "break" until further notice. My dear Grandma Whittington (I love you grandma!) gave me her old bike which I've been dying to go try out on the mountain trail, but I haven't even had sufficient time to "break it in".

I guess maybe I COULD have time for all these things if my little "friend" of eight years would just go away. I've still been investigating where this bothersome leg pain is coming from. Aside from talking with friends, relatives, and acquaintances about the problem, I've been doing some research on my own to pinpoint the problem. If any of you didn't know, this pain has slowly been creeping up on me since I was about fifteen. Just in the past year, the pain has flared up. Some days, it has gotten to the point where I can hardly bear it. There were times at the call center where I would have to wait about twenty minutes before taking the next call because I was going through a bad episode. There have been nights where I've been doing homework and I can't concentrate because the pain is so severe. Some days, it is so serious that I become disoriented; I can't think, talk, or see straight. Luckily, those worst episodes last for about ten minutes and no more. Most recently, the pain has been accompanied by vigorous but non-painful muscle twitching. There was one night a couple of nights ago where I coudln't get to sleep because my calf and foot muscles were twitching uncontrollably. Weird, I know :P

I researched vitamin deficiencies, diabetic neuropathy, multiple sclerosis, and (because I was desperate) even fibromyalgia. But I knew I couldn't diagnose myself, so I went and saw Dr. A last week. He's the same neurologist I saw back in November. My visit with him was brief but it gave me hope that I was one step closer to solving the problem. He told me that based on my last blood test, I was deficient in Vitamin D. "Well, how can that be possible?" I asked him. "I take calcium supplements with Vitamin D every day!"

Yeah, apparently supplements don't work as well as actualy injections or perscriptions. (Then what the heck do they sell them for??!)

He gave me a Vitaman B12 injection and told me that I needed to come in for one every week for a month. He also wrote me a special perscription for Vitamin D. He scheduled me for an MRI and an EEG test to check for multiple sclerosis just in case.

What a relief that would be if this problem was all just rooted at a simple vitamin deficiency. My life could be so much easier, so much more pain-FREE by taking a simple vitamin! I'm surprised that one little vitamin (or lack thereof) could be the cause of so much pain and discomfort for me. Well, not sure yet if that's what it is, but if that's all it was then that would make me very happy, because the solution is SIMPLE.

The pain has made it difficult to enjoy things I normally would. In fact, sometimes it makes it difficult for me to just enjoy life. There is one thing that has remedied the pain on some really bad nights, and that's "Cowboy Bebop" (haha). I guess I just become so engrossed in the plot and the characters that it helps me to forget the pain. That and the anime is extremely nostalgic to me in a lot of ways. :P haha . . .anime therapy

Well, after all of that Sunday's are usually the beautiful oasis in the middle of the desert for me. Usually by Sundays I have all my homework done (I COULD do more to get ahead in the courses, but who do you think I am? An over achiever or something? lol jk :P). I try to take advantage of Sunday mornings and sleep in as late as I can. After all, it IS the day of rest, right?

Oh, and by the way, I finally caved and bought THIS:

Hey, I figured that after all that homework, I deserved SOME kind of reward. You know what they say: all work and no play makes a VERY unhappy Jossi :)

Where Does the Ocean Go?

2010-08-21T22:32:00.001-07:00

This song, composed by Yoko Kanno and sung by one of my favorite artists Ilaria Graziano, is special to me. It's lyrics are whimsical and strange, but I feel they convey emotions that are very real. Whenever I listen to it, it leaves me with a very ambiguous feeling--I can't tell if it makes me feel sad or happy--maybe a little bit of both. It brings out a lot of strange feelings that can only be unlocked by this song's honesty, long lost feelings that have been buried beneath other feelings that suddenly seem meaningless or artificial.
I feel the connection I have with this song is very intimate. I won't tell you exactly why it's so significant to me, but I've been listening to it a lot lately, and it gets me thinking about certain things. At one point in my life I listened to this song frequently. It brought me peace when I needed it to. It still does sometimes. Then again, anything sung by Ilaria Graziano has the ability to soothe me. I reckon that's why I love her voice so much.

All day the city's selling something
Always the busy people spinning 'round
Busier
Dizzier
'Till they go back home to somewhere
And taxis stop to say hello
"Wanna ride? I'll take you there,
to anywhere. Just tell my driver."

The sun is casting shadows, an afternoon is fading
I ask but no one knows the answer to the question
My life is like an island
Where does this ocean go?

Shyly, a wino sips his wine
Slowly, 'cause to him that is all that matters
He sees a cat he knows so well
Now sleeping on a bench together
A woman waiting by herself
Selling flowers, "Please buy some
so I can help my daughter. Will you?"

The man with spider eyebrows is standing on a corner
"Who wants to see a show?" His head looks like a melon
He turns into an alley
and stops to blow his nose

The sky is filled with neon, the buildings stand electric
And almost seem to glow
I want answers to the question
My life is like an island
Where does the ocean go?

I really want to know
My life is like an island
It's time for me now to fly
Where does the ocean go?

Well, I'm going to bed now. I'm tired (obviously, since I posted this crazy song) and I have two cats sitting on my lap waiting to be fed. Good night.

Work. PAIN. Paint. Sleep.

2010-08-20T12:26:00.000-07:00

Forgot to talk about one little in that last post . . .
I think about a year or so ago I wrote about this leg pain that I've been having for nearly eight years now. Over those eight years, the intensity and frequency of the pain has steadily increased. Last year, I went to several doctors with hopes of diagnosing the problem. I went to my regular doctor, who basically mumbled some things to me about fibromyalgia, restless leg syndrome, etc., but other than that he really didn't give my symptoms any attention. He sent me home with some pills that effectively took the pain away, but made me sick as hell. I went and saw a doctor at the vein clinic for a consultation, thinking that the pain might POSSIBLY be caused by forming vericose veins (shameful, I know, but vericose veins DO run in my family). The doctor had me play dress up in one of their fun musty-smelling hospital gowns and did an examination on my legs. Basically, she said that the pain couldn't possibly be from forming vericose veins because vericose veins only cause pain when you actually HAVE them (so I don't haev vericose veins . . .YET, thank heaven). She told me I could do an ultrasound on my legs to see if anything else could be found, but very matter of factly told me that they likely wouldn't find anything. Discouraged, I went on with my life for a couple of months until I finally decided to see a neurologist. The neurologist, who was a very, very nice and sympathetic man did some tests and had me describe the nature of this unusual, yet persistent pain. I told him that I wasn't some lunatic scouting for pain pills (as I'm afraid other doctors may have seen my situation :( ), but that the pain was very real, and that I wanted to find a solution to it because it was starting to disrupt my life. He did some tests and started talking to me immediately about multiple sclerosis. He suggested that along with a blood test, I undergo a brain MRI and a nerve conduction test. I knew somehow that this pain couldn't be caused by multiple sclerosis. Besides, I didn't display any of the other MS symptoms like leg numbness or blindness. I cancelled the appointment for the brain MRI and the nerve conduction test, seeing that I didn't have money to pay for them anyway.
Here I am many months later and the pain is still increasing. The pain is so severe sometimes that I can only curl up and sob (and it's HARD when you can't do that at work! I guess I could curl up in my cubicle and try to hold back sobs while I try to help people balance their checkbooks over the phone!). I have had some very bad incidents over the last month or so. I finally started mentally rating my pain every time it came around. After I reached several scale 9's (scale from 1 t0 10), I decided that I needed to proactively find the cause of the pain. And since it seemed like so many doctors were uwilling to listen to me (except for the neurologist, but I really don't think I have multiple sclerosis), I knew I needed to do some research myself.
During the first week of August I started a little experiment. I would keep a journal every day of my pain incidents, rating them on a scale of 1 to 10, and write down the circumstances that surrounded those incidents (foods I ate, activities I did, times of the day, etc). I decided to try this for thirty days, and maybe, JUST maybe, I would find a correlation.
Out of the twenty days that I've been doing this I've had only two pain free days. Those days are the best . . .I wish I had them more often. The pain has fluctuated drastically between scale 3 and scale 9, from almost unnoticeable to nearly incapacitating. So far, I have not been able to discern a cause and effect relationship based on my "pain journal" (as I call it). I highlighted in different colors the times I consumed refined sugar, foods with nitrates, and even aspartame. None of those seem to be related to the pain at all. The pain is just . . .random. The only thing I have noted is that the pain usually occurs about half an hour after I wake up for work.
I am almost beginning to think that I'm crazy. How come I can't find out where this pain is coming from? How comes the doctors can't? Okay, so maybe I haven't done everything with the doctors to try and pinpoint this, but why is it so hard to find out? Maybe I'm crazy, but every time the pain occurs there is something very real and very painful happening. Is this something I'm going to have to do for the rest of my life? Will I ever be able to run again?
I have done some research, and I'd like to think that I've narrowed it down to a few things, most of which can be solved easily:

Diabetes: My family has a history of diabetes, and I have been told by doctors since I was fifteen that I am a prime candidate. I have had hypoglycemia for about as long as I've been having this leg pain. Leg pain doesn't seem like a typical symptom for diabetes or even PRE-diabetes, but I have read in some places that diabetics sometimes suffer from nerve pain (but that is in the later stages of diabetes). I've also read that pre-diabetics sometimes have pain in the shins (and I have indeed had pain in my shins, but not just IN my shins--EVERYWHERE in the legs, pretty much. Recently, I have even felt it in my hands and in my feet). Maybe I just have a weird type of diabetes/prediabetes where severe leg pain is the symptom.

Sciatica: Sciatica could be the problem, but for eight years?? Come on. This type of leg pain is often attributed to sciatic nerve problems. So is the "electric" pain feeling that I've been experiencing. However, back in the beginning of 2009, I was having terrible lower back and leg pain. When I went to the doctor, the diagnosis WAS sciatica, but the leg pain I felt back then was VERY different from the leg pain I have on a daily basis. I would almost prefer sciatica over this any day. I went to a chiropractor for a while to see if popping things back into place would get rid of the leg pain, but the leg pain came back just as it normally did. Maybe I have a CHRONIC sciatica problem?

Nitrates: I used to have a friend that experienced pain in her body whenever she would eat foods containing nitrates. I actually read up on this problem, and from what I understand (and don't take my word on this, because I think I may say it the wrong way), some people can't metabolize sodium nitrate very well for some reason. Somehow, the nitrates cut off oxygen in the legs or arms, resulting in pain. But I have never really liked hot dogs, and I don't think I would consume those nitrates enough to attribute this pain to a metabolic problem.

Calcium deficiency: My mom said that several years ago she was having pain in her legs, but after her doctor did some tests he found that it was a calcium deficiency that was causing her pain. I bought a big bottle of calcium supplements from Costco, and I have been taking one in the morning and one in the evening! I hope the pain can be solved as simply as that! That would certainly be nice! :)

So this is what I have it narrowed down to. If any of my readers out ther know of any other probably causes, I would really appreciate it if you would email me. Needless to say, my daily life has been much less enjoyable. I am to the point now where I am having to take so much over the counter medicine every day just to stave away the pain. Usually, I will take four iburpofen in the morning when the pain first hits. But only a couple of hours later, I'm forced to take four aspirin just to make it go away for a few hours. Sometimes, I have to take more than that. I know it's not healthy for my body, but it's all I can do to make the days more bearable. Please, if any of you have heard anything about this type of pain, PLEASE let me know! I don't want to live with this any longer!
Just as a shot in the dark, I thought I would try to rule out the diabetes/nitrates/calcium deficiency next month by doing a strict diet. For the month of September, I am going to avoid all foods containing nitrates and refined sugars and record the frequency of pain. I will also be taking calcium supplements every day along with a multi vitamin. If the frequency of daily pain starts to diminish, then hopefully one of these three things was the cause. Worst case scenario is multiple sclerosis, but I highly doubt that that's the issue here. I'm not THAT unlucky, after all.

Work. Paint. Sleep.

2010-08-19T08:33:00.000-07:00

That's what my days have been like for the past couple of weeks. Literally. I haven't even had that much time to shoot zombies, play piano, write, or do anything else.
I actually don't mind, really. I like to stay busy. I'll admit, I'd rather have things in my schedule other than work, but I find I enjoy going up to my mother in law's house every day after work and painting for a good couple of hours. It's a very productive and satisfying way to spend the evening, in my opinion. The world can stand to be zombie-infested for a little while, I suppose.
But life has been very very busy, and I apologize in advance to all my friends and family who I have neglected due to this project. I almost feel like I have two jobs, one that I love and one that I don't care a whole lot for (but it pays the bills at least :P). Along with my blogging, I have fallen behind on my piano lessons, journal-writing, letter reading, and socializing.
But that's ok.
I have discovered that when I paint I learn a lot about myself. Too bad I wasn't brave enough to do a project like this before. Painting this mural has given me plenty of time to do some soul-searching and rethinking, and I wish I would have found out these things about myself years ago when I needed to learn them the most. But I've always underestimated my own artistic abilities; I have always been so unsure of myself, so deathly afraid of failure and/or disappointment in myself, that I never had the guts to TRY and do something this big. Not until now.
This mural has made me realize just how far I CAN go with my painting. I need to stop letting my fears of failure get in the way of my full artistic potential. I need to step outside of my comfort zone more often and TRY even though I'm afraid. I know that means I'll run into pitfalls sometimes. Okay, so what if I DO mess up? I need to learn to accept my artistic blunders. I can't run and hide from them. If I run and hide from them then I will never learn how to fix them. And I have discovered recently that I can make a graceful recovery. In fact, I have a funny story about an orange splotch that I agonized over for quite some time. I'll have to tell it to you some day. It's written in one of my kajillion journals.
Anyway, I became very discouraged the other night. You see, ever since I embarked on this journey I've been very careful. I meticulously planned out every brush stroke. I paid obsessive attention to detail, form, light, texture, angle, etc etc, doing all the things my art teachers have always taught me.
Well, a couple of nights ago, I became a little over confident. I became careless, and I started painting, thinking that everything would magically turn out alright. I AM awesome after all, aren't I? (yeah, those were the cocky thoughts running through my head then, and it was those cocky thoughts that got me into trouble). So I learned a lesson the hard way, and rather than cowering in frustration and anger over my own mistakes, I decided I needed to hit the ground running and fix the problem (before I started losing sleep on it). I know now that while I need to be confident in my work, I still need to be teachable. I need to learn to accept my shortcomings and use them to my advantage by learning from them. That is one of the many lessons I have learned in painting this mural.
I've had several friends bug me for some WIP pictures (work in progress), but I want to keep the suspense. I should be done hopefully in a couple of weeks. If it weren't for my carelessness I'd probably be done a day or two sooner, but I'll try not to dwell on it too much. Anyway, when the project is finally done, I will post the progression pictures AND pictures of the final product. Then hopefully you'll be able to see how it is coming together over time.
Even though I want really badly to show you NOW!

I want her hair . . .

2010-08-04T20:35:00.000-07:00

. . .and her thighs, though they are probably photoshopped . . .

If I had it my way, this is how I would like to have my hair when it gets longer, even though her hair is much thicker than mine (I've forgotten the actress's name, but she's the same girl in "27 Dresses").

I've decided for now that I'm no longer feeling "conflicted". Matter of fact, I am started to enjoy my growing hair. I just need to eek my way out of the rest of that awkward "not short but not long" stage. In just the past month, my hair seems like it is suddenly growing much faster. It's weird . . .a couple of months ago I was taking biotin like crazy in order to help my hair grow faster, but I never noticed a difference in length (it probably made my hair healthier, though). I don't know what I've done different now to make it grow so fast all of a sudden :/

But I've decided that when I'm 25 I will allow myself to cut it short again, but I have to WAIT until I'm 25 (unless I can get down to 115 again, and I can actually look good with short hair). That means in the meantime I can let it grow out long. Maybe when I'm 25 I WON'T want to cut it anymore.

Speaking of Silk Spectre, I've decided that "Watchmen" is now one of my favorite movies. While the movie was out in theatres I was actually very speculative, but the movie is VERY well done. In my opinion, it is a work of art. There are still some parts that I cringe at, and one or two parts that I can't even bear to watch (namely Dr. Manhattan and the Comedian in a bar in Vietnam; let's just say the Comedian is a D-Bag, and I hate him).

But definitely a great movie. DC Comics outdoes Marvel anyday . . .

Meet Lyla

2010-08-04T20:29:00.001-07:00

My beautiful new niece! She is so precious :)

The (long-awaited) highlights of our adventure last month!

2010-08-04T20:06:00.000-07:00

I apologize for my blogging absence. I figured that posting these picutres is long overdue. Anyway, here are some highlights from our trip into the Grand Tetons, Yellowstone, and Cody, Wyoming. I would post all the pictures, but there are so many of them that it would probably crash your computer loading the page, so I'm giving you the "abridged" photo album of our trip. Enjoy!! (or don't enjoy, if you're a bum)

Bummin' around the campfire, Mossi style!

Ally, my mom and dad's beautiful German shepherd puppy (but she's not exactly "puppy size" anymore). This was one of her first camping trips, and it was fun to have her around. She loved chasing the squirrels and the birds :)

Hike up to a beautiful waterfall by Jenny Lake. I forgot the name of the hike :/

We all went and played at Jackson Lake. The water was a little too cold to swim in, but some of us were brave enough to take the plunge. It was FREEZING. Ally was one of those brave enough to swim in the water (more like my younger brother Ryan took her out into the water, dropped her, and had her swim back to shore lol)

Trip into Jackson, Wyoming. What a fun place!

Encounter with Bigfoot! :O

Stopped in Yellowstone for lunch on our way to Cody, Wyoming. We took a beautiful drive on the Chief Joseph highway. The scenery was STUNNING!

We stopped on the road because of some buffalo passing through. This guy LITERALLY came within an inch or two of Tannon on the driver's side of the car. It was actually very intimidating to have a creature that large come so close.

Stopped at the Buffalo Bill historic center in Cody. I gawked at some very beautiful artwork inspired by the west while Tannon and his younger brother browsed through the gun museum. This is one of my favorite paintings that I saw, though there were so many favorites to choose from!

More later, folks! Tootles :)

Free Association

2010-07-22T15:21:00.000-07:00

Why, hello. It's been a while hasn't it.

Well, I have a couple of excuses. Last week, as some of you know already, I was on vacation in Grand Teton National Park, Yellowstone, and Cody, Wyoming. I will be posting highlights from the trip soon, but that would take more energy than I currently have now. I've also been covering in the call center for the credit union, and because I'm literally receiving phone calls one right after the other, it makes it hard to find the time to blog. (Okay, so I'm guilty of blogging at work!)

But I felt compelled to blog, nonetheless. I've had a couple of things on my mind lately that just need to get out. So here it goes in kind of a free association style:

Mass Effect 2: The newest "member" of our household (named Hercules) has been taking up quite a bit of my freetime since he made his unexpected arrival a couple of weeks ago. No, "Hercules" is not an animal, but something like a pet--just add a motherboard and 2 terabytes and you've got SOMETHING like it. With Hercules' help I've discovered Mass Effect 2 (after waiting patiently for MONTHS, it FINALLY went on sale on the Steam client about a month ago). I would hate to say it, but I think I'm going to have to admit myself to rehab pretty soon. This game is addicting, SO much better than the first game and much more extensive as far as gaemplay, customizations (is that a word?), and choices. I'm sure my husband is ready to divorce me (not really) because I've been spending most of my nights with Hercules instead of him. I can't help it! He has an Octo-core and a crapload of RAM! How do you expect me to choose, Tannon??? :/

Mural: I finally started painting my first mural a couple of days ago. To tell you honestly I was really intimidated at first. I wasn't quite sure how to approach the painting, but I figured the best thing to do was to just DO IT. I've only started blocking in the colors, and it doesn't look too bad so far. I'm just a little nervous because it looks very "unfinished", but once I get the details in I'm sure they'll start looking more like aspen trees. I will be sure to post pictures so you can see the progress. By the way, thanks a ton to my superly fantastic awesome WONDERUL sister Bryn for taking some pictures of my progress with her spiffy camera (since mine is an obsolete digital Olympus, but I still like it!). Oh by the way, just in my first TWO DAYS of painting, I went through two tubes of paint and a whole bottle of glaze medium. I guess I underestimated the size of this project.

Swearing: My husband says that I've become quite the potty mouth. But honestly, I haven't really noticed. It's just kind of an unconscious thing for me to swear now. I'm very ashamed of myself. My father in law scolded me the other day for swearing in German, and for doing it in front of my seven year-old niece (I really don't think she noticed though lol :/). I've always believed that the language a person uses reflects their intelligence and level of decency. I don't want to be seen as a vulgar, disrespectful person. I need to stop :/

Beauty pageants, etc.: I heard a woman the other day talking about/bragging about how she has her five year old daughter signed up for junior cheerleading, tumbling, soccer, an upcoming beauty pageant, etc.. This really bothered me, honestly. It still IS bothering me. Don't you think all of that is pretty overwhelming for a five year old who is already overwhelmed with trying to discover the world around her? It made me think of some women who are so eager to put their young daughters up on platforms and turn them into a mini supermodel/cheerleader/Barbie when they have not even reached puberty yet. Why do some mothers overwhelm their young children with all these frivolous things? Why do they pressure them to become the perfect, teensy little cheerleader/beauty queen/gymnast when they are focusing on learning to read and write, when they're still trying to find and make friends? Why are they making their young daughters think that they HAVE to be beauty queen/cheerleader/gymnast? Are they not worth anything in their mother's eyes unless they get that title? Sorry, I am being really cynical . . .I just don't think women should expect so much of their young daughters, who already struggle enough as it is with acceptance, self-esteem, etc...

High protein diet: For a while Tannon and I were doing a high protein diet to lose weight. For a while, all we ate was eggs and steak and steak and eggs. Needless today, I was geting kind of sick of it. I decided I needed a change that would still be high-protein friendly. So at costco, they sell these packs of protein shakes and protein bars. The protein shakes pretty much taste like chocolate water, but after a while you get used to it and it actually begins to taste good. The protein bars are packed with roughly 30 grams of protein, so you can imagine the consistency and the taste. Not that great. I've been bringing them to work to keep me full and satisfied, and I've begun to casually refer to them as "bricks". I decided that if I wanted to, I could probably build a house out of them. At this point, I think I would rather eat a pound of raw hamburger instead of having to choke down another one of those.

"Receptionry": As you already know, I was kind of volunteered by my supervisors to help out at the member service call center by taking calls. While I was on vacation, I received a phone call from one of my managers. "Don't come to work on Monday." he said (that actually sounded really scary at first :/ lol). "You'll be going over to the call center to cover for a few weeks." To tell you honestly, I was really dreading this, but it's actually not that bad. It's not like I haven't answered phone calls before, but when they start coming in one right after the other non stop, it can get a little hectic. I kind of miss my job as a receptionist, though. If I had to choose between the two, I would probably choose the art of "receptionry" over the art of answering a billion phone calls concerning the latest federal financial regulation. But for now, I think I'll be okay. It is actually kind of fun out here.

Pedicure: I got my FIRST pedicure yesterday. When I told my sister in law that I had never had a pedicure before, she looked at me like I was some kind of neanderthal. I can't believe I have NEVER gotten a pedicure before. It's much more relaxing and enjoyable than I thought, though I don't think my budget can manage 20 bucks for one every week. Well, that was a first for me.

Highlights: Ever since I got back from vacation, everyone is telling me my hair is lighter. I must have been out in the sun a LOT if that's the case. Now I'm really tempted to go get highlights . . .just another thing to chemically destroy my hair :P Oh well. Maybe it will be worth it?

Shogun: I've decided what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be a Shogun! (okay, not really) But ever since I've been reading the book by James Clavell, I'm on this weird Samurai kick. I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I've been really tempted to watch/read Naruto lately (I know ninja and samurai are different, but what the heck). Anyway, I bought this book about a year ago at a used book sale whose proceeds were going to a local animal shelter, and being the bleeding heart I am for puppies and kitties, I just HAD to buy as many books from them as I could afford ("I got 5 books for a dollar!!" That's a phrase that will forever be engrained in Tannon's memory, only because I kept saying for the next 3 or so hours because I was so THRILLED about it). At first I was really intimidated to pick up this book, thinking it would give me a headache like Hugo's "Les Miserables" (and I read the ABRIDGED version). Thankfully, Clavell knows how to write in plain language, and there have been NO headaches so far! I already love this book, and I'm only 100 pages into it. I love Captain Blackthorne's spirited and fearless character. I love how Clavell gives insight into the Japanese culture page by page. I hope to be a writer like him some day.

Well, that's it for now. I will post pictures of the trip later! Tootles!!

I'm Baaaaaaaaaack . . .

2010-07-19T20:51:00.001-07:00

I'm finally home from my little adventure up north! Pictures and updates coming soon! Hope y'all didn't miss me too much!

Conlicted . . .

2010-07-10T20:06:00.000-07:00

(no, this is not me lol)

What do all these pictures have in common?

Yep, you guessed it. I'm missing my short dark pixie hair again :'(

How come I can NEVER grow my hair back out? Well, it's not that I can't; it IS growing, but my hair is so brittle and so thin that I'm trimming it off faster than it can grow. It's almost IMPOSSIBLE to maintain. Geez, I should have just never cut my hair short when I was fifteen.

I am really close to giving up again. But then I think about how far I've come! I've gone a whole year without cutting me hair! I can't stop now, can I?

Wait, of COURSE I can. It's MY hair, and I can wear it however I want it!! If I feel like i look better with pixie hair, then that's what I should do, right?

Then again, I want THIS again. I want it SO badly . . .

. . .but I'm running out of patience. I feel like I'll NEVER get there. Is it even worth it trying to grow it out anymore? My hair just BARELY reached my jawline (yes, that's how far it's come in a year. My hair does not grow very quickly).

I need your opinion. What do you think?

Deja Vu

2010-07-08T09:09:00.001-07:00

I had my piano lesson after work yesterday. However, my lesson wasn't scheduled until 7:00, and I got out of work at 6:15. In order to burn some time, I went to the Big 5 Sporting Goods in Riverdale to find some things for our upcoming camping trip, but even when I was done purchasing my things, I still had about half an our of time to burn.
I knew exactly what to do with this time. Ever since I started piano lessons last summer, I made sort of a weird promise to myself: whenever it seemed like I would arrive a few minutes earlier to my lesson than scheduled, I would use those few extra minutes to drive through my old neighborhood just for the heck of it (my piano teacher lives in Hooper and I grew up in Roy. For those of you who don't know, they are basically right next to each other).
On a couple of occassions, I've driven through my old neighborhood and soaked up the nostalgia and memories that come with the houses, the streets, and the parks. I remember the first time in years I took a detour through that neighborhood. I was having mixed feelings about the way things had changed. It was the neighborhood I grew up in, and yet it wasn't. The houses were different; the cars were different; even the GRASS was different. Tall fences have been erected since my family moved. It's almost as if people are shutting themselves in. Over the last several years, I've heard that Roy is going down in the dumps. I hear that gang activity is a more pervasive issue. Even when we lived there, we had some pretty shady neighbors. I'm pretty sure mom and dad moved us because they knew (sadly) where that neighborhood was going. That, and they wanted us to get a better education at different schools. I love my mom and dad for that, even though I did love that house in Roy, that house that my dad worked so hard to build, that house that I loved so much that I had nightmares when I was a kid of it blowing up (no, I really did lol!).
This most recent vists wasn't nearly as depressing, though. I tried to coast slowly past my old house without looking suspicious (like a black "gangster" looking car with pimpin' rims in a "gangster"-ish neighborhood isn't suspicious enough! lol). I felt a twinge of relief on the inside when I saw colorful flowerbeds in front of my old red brick and gray siding house. I wonder if that means nice people live there, people who take care of it. Some of the other houses in that coul de sac are getting dirty and slummy. I'm pretty sure the neighbors I had back then don't live there anymore.
The huge field behind Mr. Seamons' house is covered with lots and houses now. Mr. Seamons died several years ago. When Natalie and I were kids, we would venture into those fields by cutting through Mr. Seamons sideyard. There, we would put planks of wood across the ravine and build "bridges". I remember we made makeshift fishing poles out of sticks and string and went "fishing" one time in the stinking, muddy mire that pooled up in the ravines. Natalie and I would catch mice and snakes in one of the five gallon buckets my dad kept in the garage. Unlike many girls our age at the time ( 9 and 10), we weren't afraid of them. We were tomboys, after all. We would rather play in dirt and mud than have princess parties or whatever girly little girls do. One time, Natalie and I spent all day in that field building a "cabin" out of scavenged railroad ties and sticks. That's when the infamous "Rough Rider" shirt was found lol :)
Funny how the field we spent a lot of our childhood in is now completely suburbanized. I think I liked the looks of it more when it was a muddy wasteland.
Yesterday as my car idled in the coul de sac, I remembered a time when I came out here five years ago. I was eighteen. I went out there just for the heck of it. Actually, I went out there to try and remember what it was like being a kid again. I sat in my car underneath the purple "plum" trees on the side of the Little's house. It was a cloudy November day. I don't know what made me do it, but as I sat in my car that November afternoon, I tried to wish myself back to my 10 year old self. It sounds really silly (and it is), but at the time, I lamented over how I had grown up, how I was no longer that 10 year old girl. I wanted nothing more than to go back to being 10 years old and care free, not having to worry about all the things I seemed to worry about when I was eighteen. Geez. If I'd only known I'd be TWENTY THREE now. I guess we take age for granted. Eighteen doesn't seem so bad now.
As I started to turn out of the coul de sac, I noticed an old car sitting in my old house's sideyard. I suddenly had deja vu. My dad used to have an old Datsun sitting in our sideyard. It wasn't running and it was waiting to be restored. Justin, Natalie, and I used to play in the car all the time, even though it was covered in cobwebs and probably crawling with more than just bugs. We would play in it until my dad finally sold it one day.
I turned out of the coul de sac and continued up the street. I was probably driving like a granny as I drove past all the houses, trying to remember the names of all my old neighbors (which I'm sure many of them aren't there anymore). Sorry, fellow drivers on the road--I'm just a nostalgic person passing through.
There was a corner up the street that I would never go past for some reason. I had this thing about being too far from my own house. I had a weird anxiety whenever I was in an unfamiliar place. With all the walks and bike rides I took through that neighborhood, I never seemed to venture beyond this one spot. In a way, I guess I was afraid of what was around the corner. I was afraid I would get completely lost if I ever went past it. Well, I drove around that corner for the first time in years, only to find a small coul de sac. I can't believe for all those years, I was afraid of a stupid coul de sac. Like I'd get lost in a coul de sac! Geez! I could have at least gone a little further!
When I was little, it was always amazing to me how all the streets connected with each other. I always thought it fascinating how I could go down a street in an unfamiliar part of the nieghborhood and eventually wind up back home somehow. Now, it's a given. It's no longer a mystery lol.
I drove up to the park that I always used to ride my bike to. I remember riding my bike in the tennis courts, and other visitors of the park would scold me reproachfully. My justification: "It's MY park, too!" There was a time where Natalie and I rode up to the park on our bikes. Our quest? Looking for INDIAN CLAY. You know, the thick, muddy substance that you find at the bottom of sandboxes? Well, for some reason, finding "indian clay" in the sandboxes at elementary school was like finding an oil well. Natalie and I dug up and put "indian clay" into little plastic sandwich bags. It started raining really hard. REALLY hard, like MONSOON hard, but Natalie and I stayed out there anyway. We finally made the journey back home on our bikes in the pouring rain, our Lion King stuffed animals tucked under our arms as we piloted our bikes one-handed.
There's a skate park now by the soccer field where stupid emo skater kids watch the other stupid emo skater kids crash and burn on their skateboards/longboards. There's a new stop sign on that street next to the skate park, and I blew right through it. Oops. At least there weren't any cops around.
It's funny. I always have dreams about that park and that soccer field, except the dreams that take place there are made out to be more like nightmares. It's always dark, and I'm always scared to cross the railroad tracks that are up the street from the soccer field. Sometimes, I have dreams that I'm a kid, and I can't find my way back to my house in Roy for some reason, no matter how desperate I search. I know it's kind of a ghetto place now, but I have many fond memories of that neighborhood. I spent roughly eight years of my childhood there. Many of my favorite childhood memories are scattered across that place, in the sidewalks, in the fences, in the backyards, in the fields (which are no longer fields).
It's weird now to think that I have my very own house in its very own neighborhood now, and that I'm all grown up. My memories of this house now are quite different from the ones at my house in Roy, but they are good memories nonetheless. In a few years, I'll have kids who will probably make memories out of this very same neighborhood and place. Will they make friends with the neighbors here? Will they enjoy walking up to that beautiful, majestic mountain like I do every now and again? Will they want to come back to this neighborhood and rekindle the memories they had here?
I didn't mean to go into such intimate detail about my trip yesterday. It was just a heavy dose of deja vu is all.
It's not fair that we all can't stay 10 years old forever :P

The BIG Two Five!!

2010-07-07T19:41:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TANNY BOY!! :)

Laughing Gas

2010-07-06T09:09:00.000-07:00

I have a confession.
I get really queazy when it comes to shots and needles.
Over the past few years, I've had a couple of really embarrassing doctor's office visits because of them.
I remember going to the doctor when I was 18, and I STILL got shaky and nervous at the sight of needles. The nurse talked to me soothingly as she inserted the needle into the crook of my arm and withdrew enough blood to fill a couple of vials. Sure enough, like MANY other doctor's office visits before, my vision started getting black, and I passed OUT. The next thing I remember is waking up in a wheelchair in the middle of an empty doctor's room. *Embarrassing*.
So when I went to the dentist this morning to get a filling done, I was REALLY apprehensive. I will admit that over the past couple of years, my stupid fear of needles has gradually subsided, but I realy didn't want to deal with it today, especially when someone was drilling in my mouth. I decided to resort to nitrous oxide aka "laughing gas".
Even though the secretary let me know it would be an extra $25 on top of my deductible, I had already made up my mind. At the same time, I was a little nervous. I had NEVER had nitrous oxide before, and I'd heard really strange things about it. I heard that some people hated it. I heard that some people absolutely loved it. As I sat down in the chair, I actually started to panic a little on the inside. What if the laughing gas had some sort of antagonistic affect on me. What if it was some freaky type of halluconegenic experience? I was really REALLY nervous, probably more so than I should be.
Then I thought about the giant needle they would jab into my gums, and it didn't seem that bad.
I braced myself when the dental assistant placed the mask over my face. The flow of nitrous oxide hissed through my nostrils and into my system. At first I didn't feel anything, but then . . .
I don't know how people can stand that stuff! My eyeballs felt like they were bulging out of my head! When I tried to move my arms, it felt like there were marionette strings attached to my wrists, and I couldn't actually control them. Now I know why they call it laughing gas; the sensation is so unnerving, so strange that you begin to laugh NERVOUSLY to yourself. I felt like I was in a dream. floating, and that nothing around me actually existed. I even began to imagine that I was floating through space (I shouldn't have played Mass Effect 2 last night so late!). Steve Colbert began to pop out of the little TV high up on the ceiling, and he seemed close enough that I could actually TOUCH him.
Then the actual dentist came in with a needle, and she injected novicane into my top gum. This was actually really upsetting to me. You see, I thought it was always you got laughing gas INSTEAD of novicane, but apparently, the nitrous is just for people like me who get ridiculous anxiety around needles and tiny drills.
So here I am at work now, looking like I've had a stroke because the left side of my face is all droopy and numb (at least that's what it feels like). That, or you can call me Quazi Modo
And some of my cells still feel like they're floating out of my body, carrying me by little marionette strings.
I really REALLY don't like the feeling.
It would almost be worth it to me NOT to get it.
Anyway, that's a first for me . . .

My Welcoming Committee

2010-07-05T11:31:00.000-07:00

This is what I come home to just about every night :)

"If you want to be a psychological novelist and write about human beings, the best thing you can do is keep a pair of cats." --Aldous Huxley

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." --Albert Schweitzer

Can you SEE the difference?? :}

2010-07-03T22:27:00.000-07:00

Before . . .

After . . .

Can you guess the difference?

Well, besides the longer hair, I'm missing about twelve pounds. Don't worry. I'm not planning on finding them again anytime soon. I NEVER want to get like I was in that "before" picture EVER again.

About ten more pounds to go and I'll be GOOD!!! :}

BTW, Tannon's lost over 20 pounds! WOOHOO!!

Sorry, I needed a bragging moment. Turns out, I CAN be vain sometimes!

"Stupid" Mode

2010-06-29T13:19:00.000-07:00

My brain is in "stupid mode".
By default, that is my brain's typical setting anyway (lol), but now I feel like I'm in "super stupid" mode.
It's funny (no, it's not). This morning I had a whole list of things that needed to be done, things that I wanted to accomplish. Now my brain can't seem to remember any of them.
I think my brain is still in "Zombieland", decapitating the undead with an AK-47. Maybe it's because I am thinking about my upcoming camping trip with the Mossi's. Maybe it's because I keep thinking about mural painting. It could be that ever since my friends started talking last night about going on a trip to New Orleans next year, I've secretly been daydreaming about it.
I feel like I'm on auto pilot. I simply do and say things without giving them any conscious thought.
Someone please save me from this!! :P

Stopping to Smell the Roses

2010-06-24T21:44:00.000-07:00

Here's one of the many reasons I love owning a home . . .

Well, three reasons, I guess . . .

These are the roses that line the steps up to our porch. I never thought of putting pink, red, and yellow all together, but the combination is stunning! I love coming home from work every day and seeing those pastel-colored beauties shadowing my doorstep! They are absolutely gorgeous! I just had to get a picture of them! :) Now, I'm not a gardening type of person, but I now suddenly have the urge to go out and splurge on flowers for my front yard! Well, I guess I ought to get a new yard first . . .

A new fence wouldn't be too bad either (it blew over in a really bad windstorm a couple of weeks ago). Yay for homeownership . . .ugh

By the way, we met one of our neighbors. Tannon asked me if we could keep him, and though snakes don't bother me at all, I told him no ;P

Expanding my Horizons

2010-06-24T13:08:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow night, I officially start my very first mural.
To tell you honestly, I am a little intimidated.
But as an artist, I've always been told that it's healthy to venture outside of my comfort zone every once in a while.
The problem is, I've only every painted on boards and canvas.
. . .wait, maybe not even canvas . . .
A wall is QUITE A BIT different.
Have I told you that I'm excited, too?
Maybe this will help me solve the artist's block that I've seemed to have for years now.
Maybe it will put me on the road to a new hobby, one that I might actually kind sort of be good at. I don't know.
I will post pictures of my progress. Wish me luck!

Jossi's Plans for Summer 2010

2010-06-23T10:24:00.000-07:00

Well, this past Monday officially marked the first day of summer. Remember when you were in grade school, and summer was such a BIG DEAL? Yearbook day commenced the start of summer, and you were too busy collecting numbers and making plans with friends to think about the impending school year three months down the road.
Now, it really isn't all it's cracked up to be, not for someone like me anyway. Sure, school is out, but I'm still a slave to a job forty hours a week, which (to me personally) is WORSE than school.
But for the sake of tradition, I've been writing up a list of things to do during the summer while school is out and I have a little bit of freetime (what little I have outside of work). It's something I've been doing ever since I can remember. Here goes!!

Jossi's Plans for Summer 2010:

*make disciplined progress on writing my book
*read up on copyright laws, publishing, and self-publishing
*go on an AWESOME camping trip with the Mossi Family!
*visit Grandma and Grandpa Whittington in Wyoming
*read at LEAST a book a week
*explore the mountain up the street
*go on lots of hikes
*go to Lagoon!
*wait for baby Lyla to come!! (she's coming this summer in July!)
*start painting a mural for my mother-in-law in her dining room
*get back into the 120's (almost there!)
*go to the zoo! (I would like to anyway, just because I haven't been in so long, but I can't go by myself! I need to take some cute nieces and nephews with me!)
*get registered for school
*go to Keira's baby shower!! :D I am really excited, Keira!
*spend time with my favoritest, coolest cousins in the WORLD, Jordan and Janae
*build a new fence in our backyard (since ours blew over in the storm a couple of weeks ago)
*take the canoe out onto the lake and POSSIBLY try fishing (*hint hint* Tannon!)
*maybe a trip to Crystal Hot Springs?

*oh, and last but not least . . .play as many video games and enjoy them while I CAN before school gets back in . . .that's an important one! lol

What are YOUR plans for the summer???

I've Found a New Obsession!!

2010-06-07T22:17:00.000-07:00

Okay, not really an obsession. I just found something new that I really like . . .actually, something OLD that I really like. :P Earlier today, I was meeting my dear friend Candice at the Frontrunner station so we could go down to Salt Lake City together. I found that I was already at the station when Candice text me and let me know that she would be about fifteen minutes late, so I decided to meander down historic 25th street.

I popped into Ogden Blue Print to get some advice. I needed to know what brushes would work well with painting a mural. After I received no help whatsoever from ANY of the staff there, I decided not to waste my time. I found myself next at an antique store just a few doors down.

It's been a LONG time since I've wanted to spend so much money in a store. Rarely do I catch myself browsing a store so vigorously that I lose track of time. There were many MANY things that I wanted to buy there, but I finally settled on a couple of old books.

There's something about old books that is so cool! I love how none of the edges of the pages line up evenly. I love how the pages are discolored with age. I love how they smell decades old. There is something so alluring about books in general, but when they're many many years old, it just makes them that much more interesting.

The way the binding is woven in that old-fashioned way, the way the spine is etched with decorative threads and engravings, the way the text is printed on the page, the way the gold lettering of the title is embossed into the cover--I honestly can't get enough of it. Call me weird or something, but I think that they are such beautiful works of art. And to think I got them for less than twenty dollars . . .I would have paid so much more for them. They may have been put together by machines in printing houses; maybe they were handmade, but either way, the effort and elegance that is put into them is simply amazing to me.

Maybe I just don't get out enough, but I'm ridiculously giddy over these old, old books.

Yes, I found Plato!!! I'm disgustingly excited to have Plato sitting on my coffee table in my living room! I feel so . . .old fashioned! lol

This is a handwritten note in the front of the other book I bought, a collection of poems. In case you can't read it, it says "April 2, 1935". This book is older than ME! It's older than my GRANDPARENTS!

I guess it doesn't take me a whole lot to get excited, but to me that is a really neat thing. When I hold those books in my hands, I feel like I'm holding decades worth of history, experience, and stories to tell. I think of all the hands they have passed down through, all the people that read them, all the events they've seen, all the attics they sat in--before they finally found their way in an antique shop and ultimately to ME.

To me, that is so cool!

I want that to be ME someday!

2010-06-04T08:35:00.000-07:00

Video Courtesy of KSL.com

Read the story about Lisa Mangum's success here!

I haven't read her books, but now I'm curious!

I always feel encouraged when I hear of an author's success, but at the same time it's a wake up call and a kick in the butt to me to finish my own book!

*starts writing frantically on novel*

I'm always trying to remember what my life was like before I started writing this blasted thing. I used to be free. FREEEEEEE! Now I'm a slave to my own writing ambition.

Until I get it done, that is.

The Day's Observations, 06-03-10

2010-06-03T18:09:00.000-07:00

I filled up another journal today. It is the sixteenth one I have filled cover to cover since I was sixteen. Whenever I start writing in a brand new blank book, I get this indescribable feeling of excitement. It makes me wondering what I'll be reading in this brand new book years down the road. It makes me wonder what words will fill the pages.

While I was purchasing groceries at Costco today, I was standing behind a pregnant lady in the checkout line. The cashier was a very kind, personable lady and greeted the customer with a pleasant tone. But the customer didn't acknowledge her, didn't even LOOK at her. She just kept sitting there, gabbing on her phone while the employee was offering the best service she could.
You could at least ACKNOWLEDGE the employee like the human being she is! GEEZ, lady. Can you get away from your stupid phone for JUST A DARN MINUTE and thank her for her service? You didn't even load your own groceries onto the conveyer belt!! SHE had to do it FOR you!
It makes me realize what social retards the latest communication technologies have turned us into. We are so glued to our cell phones, our bluetooths (blue teeth?), and our computers that we've forgotten how to properly communicate with other beings of our own species! Apparently, this customer's gossip was so much more important than thanking the cashier for doing such a good job. Being a receptionist for two years, I know how irritating it can get when people treat you like a "robot" rather than a human being. Needless to say, I felt really bad for both women--the cashier for being totally ignored, and the customer who was a complete pretentious social idiot!!

I hit EVERY STINKIN' red light on the way TO and FROM work today. Should I treat this as a coincidence or a sign? Maybe Karma is trying to tell me something. Maybe she's telling me that I need to slow down . . .slow down for what?

While sitting in traffic on my way home, I was behind a car with a big huge decal sticker on the back window that said "Hard Core Barbie". WTF are you serious?? Is that supposed to be a joke? Or is that a label you've proudly made for yourself? Why in your right mind would you want to go by an alias like that, then display it for all of Northern Utah to see? Are you a twelve year old with a driver's license? I didn't know whether to bust up laughing or to throw up. Now that I think about it, a lot of the stickers decals that people customize for their cars are pretty ridiculous. I find it painfully hilarious how people try to express their own individualism with a cheaply made sticker plastered to the back window of their car, especially if it's something only THEY find funny or cool.

Have you ever turned on your blinker, and the click just so happens to follow the rhythm of the song you are listening to on the radio? I find that really funny.

I've always wondered how kids manage to put graffiti in the most conspicuous places, and STILL they get away with it. Close to my house, there's a billboard that's recently been covered with graffiti. This billboard is on a BUSY STREET, and even at three o'clock in the morning, there have STILL got to be cars passing that billboard every few seconds. Do the sneaky little twits just duck and cover when a car comes by, hoping they don't get caught in the act? They're obviously not going to do it in broad daylight! How do they always get away with it?

Just a bunch of random thoughts. Sorry.

Dear Mike Rowe

2010-06-02T14:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Mike Rowe,

I think I've watched about a hundred episodes of your show called "Dirty Jobs", thanks to my husband's fixation with the Discovery Channel. I thought about a new job you could feature on your show that you haven't yet.
"Tanning Salon attendant" . . .
Every time I go to a tanning bed, I think about how much I'd HATE to clean up after my own sweat and/or body odor after deep frying in one of those beds for a quarter of an hour, and to think that there are nice sweet girls that have to do that ALL DAY LONG. That's pretty gross, if you ask me, especially if you see the types of people who circulate through those beds on a daily basis. THAT in and of itself would keep me from tanning more than the risk of melanoma would. I simply feel bad every time I walk out of that closet of room, knowing that some nice girl will walk in with a rag and some cleaner later.
Just a suggestion!
By the way, are you narrating basically every show on the Discovery Channel from now on?
Just wondering!

Sincerely, Jossi

Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini

2010-05-28T07:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday on my lunch break, I fulfilled what has been a dream of mine for the past year or so. It might as well have been a lifelong dream. I feel like this song has always been with me, even when I didn't even know it existed.

I felt the same way when I bought Franz Liszt's "Hungarian Rhapsody No.2", but it will probably be years before I can play that piece.

You may have heard it in the movie "Somewhere in Time" starring Christopher Reeve (just about the only "chick flick" in this world that I like). You may have heard Bill Murray play it in "Groundhog Day" (at least the first few measures). I think anyone who hears it may recognize it from somewhere, as it is one of Rachmaninoff's more famous pieces.

After falling in love with this song again and again, I finally went out and bought the sheet music for it. It is the eighteenth variation of Sergei Rachmaninoff's "Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini". I held it in my hand for what must have been an hour or so, staring at the title and following along with the notes as I played the song in my head. As I sat at my desk at work just looking at it in my hands, I could hardly wait to go home and play it.

The feeling I get when I play this song is indescribable, like a musically-induced euphoria. I'll never understand how Rachmaninoff came up with such a perfect, poignant melody. He was, indeed, a very gifted man. I think he saw music in a way that no other man ever has or will; his music strikes a chord with me (no pun intended) in a way that no other artist's music ever has (except for Franz Liszt, who is pretty up there with him in my list of favorite classical artists). It is like its very own language: beautiful, melodic, exquisite, passionate, powerful. But no adjective I come up with could adequately describe how Rachmaninoff's music has moved me. It may sound cheesy to you, but it takes me to a different place--a blissful, almost meditative state of mind.

I once heard a well-known public figure in Utah talk "lightly" about this piece. Honestly, it really, really bothered me. Sorry to be so stingy.

I love this song!!

(okay, I'm done being a sap now!)

While You Were Out, Pt. 5

2010-05-27T11:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Tannon,

You're on your way home!! Yay!! :) Just a moment ago, you text me and told me you guys were close to Manti . . .wherever the heck that is. Where's a map when you need one?

Honestly, yesterday was probably the worst day out of all of them. It wasn't really BAD; I was just missing you--a LOT. At least I got off work early, but that only meant I would go home and spend more time alone.

I decided to go running. I hadn't been running in a while, and I thought it might get my mind off of being all alone. I put on my running clothes, did some warm ups, and jogged up to the Bonneville Shoreline trail. I love how we live so close to the mountians. I LOVE it!

But I didn't get to run for long. At the entrance of the trail was a stray, brindle pit bull sniffing around. He looked big, and SCARY. Remembering all the horror stories I've heard in the past about pit bull attacks, I decided to turn around and run home. I didn't want to take any chances.

My piano lesson was at 7:30. Soon after I got back from running, I packed up my piano books and drove to my piano teacher's house. I'm surprised he didn't give me a lecture on economics or politics, like he usually does after every lesson. This was a relief.

I was kind of grouchy for the rest of the night, but after talking to Bryn via text, I laughed and smiled and felt a lot better! :) Thanks for giving me such an awesome sister!

I headed over to Wal-Mart to exchange the router we bought a couple of weeks ago. I came home, did the laundry, took out the garbage, and did the dishes. I wanted the house to look nice for when you got home.

As a surprise, I was going to paint the living room for you while you were gone, but I ran out of money. I'm sorry I'm such a flake :( I want your opinion on the paint colors I chose, anyway.

I found out around midnight that I like drawing Russell Crow. I think I relocated my passion for drawing while you've been gone.

I can't wait until you're home!! I love you! See you soon!!

--Jossi

Marfan Syndrome

2010-05-26T21:01:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish I had Marfan Syndrome.

I know at first that sounds like a cruel thing to say, especially for those of my readers who have it (which I'm sure are none). But think about it. If I had Marfan Syndrome, I would have fingers like rulers, and I could reach any scale on the piano.

Like Rachmaninoff, who was suspected to have Marfan Syndrome. He came up with impossible chords that probably only he could reach because his fingers were so long and thin. Me? They are short and stubby. There are many chords I can't reach. I wonder if I can stretch my fingers out somehow.

Then again, Marfan Syndrome would be no fun. Sure, I'd have fingers long enough to reach those chords, but I really can't picture myself being seven feet tall with long, gnarly feet. Suddenly, five foot three inches doesn't sound so bad.

By the way, NEWS FLASH I've reached half of my weight loss goal. Yes, I've lost 10 pounds! :) Only ten more to go! Even if I lost just five more, I would be happy.

I wanted to post a before and after picture, but I think I'll wait until I lose the full twenty.

For now, this picture of a rather handsome, young Rachmaninoff will do. (to me, he looks like my little brother, who is also very handsome lol)

Did you know that his fingers usually bruised from playing the piano so hard?

I want to be that one day.

While You Were Out, Pt. 4

2010-05-26T08:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Tannon,

The first thought that crossed my mind this morning was "just one more night without Tannon!"
I guess I had kind of a rough night. I didn't sleep very well at all. It could have been the protein shake I quickly drank right before bed. Maybe it was the hour's worth of "King of the Hill" that I was forced to watch because "Family Guy" was over.

Yesterday didn't turn out all that bad. I went to work, which diluted most of my loneliness. It was a pretty good day at the credit union. I felt happy and energized, very atypical for a Tuesday. What made the day even better is the fact that I was able to write. I think you know that lately, I've been on a very stubborn writer's block. I FINALLY finished revising a part that I've been stuck on for a really long time now, the part where Dr. Calkins and Deveron complete the Altar-LESION symbiosis. I hope that soon you'll know which part I'm talking about.

You know me well enough that when I write, I'm usually at my happiest. That feeling of success stayed with me throughout most of the day.

After work I decided I would pick something up for dinner. For some reason, rotisserie chicken from Costco sounded REALLY good at the moment. I headed over to Costco, picked up my chicken, and then went home. When I parked in the garage, the Cobalt started doing that stupid thing where it doesn't shut off unless you kill the engine. I disconnected the battery like a good girl so it wouldn't die, even if it DID take me a good twenty minutes or so to figure out that stupid socket wrench thingamajig.
I wasn't terribly hungry, so I didn't dig into dinner right away. I stuck the chicken in the microwave and then jumped into one of the greatest mistakes I have made in my entire life to date: I BATHED the cats.

I had been thinking of doing this for MONTHS now. It was something I had to carefully strategize and execute. I pretty much had to do pushups and jumping jacks to prepare myself for the task. I was set on doing it, though. I was tired of finding cat hair all over the house--on the microfiber sofa, on the computer chair, even in the kitchen sink (where Skipper likes to lick the dirty dishes clean). I was sure that once I was done washing all of them, they would have lost all their loose hair, and I would have pulled most of mine out.

The poor, pathetic animals didn't know what they were getting themselves into when they heard the bath water running. Like always, they congregated around the bathtub. I still don't know what it is about running water that's so fascinating to them. I can't take a shower in the morning without them crowded around the tub. Ginger is the first one I tackled, since she is the most oblivious. I think Gilligan and Skipper had an idea of what was going on, because they went RUNNING! I closed the bathroom door so she couldn't escape.

When I submerged all but her head in the water she went into ultra freak out mode. As I held her by the scruff of her neck, she propelled frantically in every direction, flinging water and cat hair everywhere. I looked like a human scratching post by the time I was finished with her. I still have cuts on my arms, face, and--yes--my boobs from trying to restrain her. Her claws ripped through my clothes and gave me scratches where not even I can reach!

Skipper was the worst. I have NEVER heard a cat scream like that before. You would think I was exorcizing him or something (is there such thing as a cat exorcism?). He is by by far the strongest of the three, and was therefore very difficult to restrain. It's funny though; I'm able to distinguish which scratches on my arms are Skipper's and which are Ginger's; Skipper's are like trenches compared to hers! Skipper was so shaken and frightened by the bath that when I towel-dried him he was practically comatose. I think he had either exhausted himself or scared himself shitless (and I mean that LITERALLY).

As usual, Gilligan was kind of indifferent. The fact that he was so calm during the bath has me convinced that he really isn't "all there". I wonder if he has kitty brain damage, or if he's had a lobotomy. He purred while I towel dried him. Something isn't right about that cat.

For the rest of the night, they all looked like wet rats. It's actually funny how deformed and puny they look when they're wet. I'm surprised all the cat hair didn't clog the bathtub drain.
Well, that's something I don't think I'll ever do again. At least they're not shedding nearly as bad!

Here's ANOTHER thing I'll probably never do again!

Needless to say, bathing the cats caused a lot of frustration for me. This, in turn, made my blood sugar levels drop DRASTICALLY. After changing out of wet clothes plastered with cat hair, I went into the kitchen and pulled the chicken out of the microwave. I peeled all the skin off the whole chicken (I hate chicken skin :/). I proceeded to cut off the drum sticks and breast meat. In order to reach some of the dark meat, I cut down the middle of the sternum with a knife.
I don't know why, but I started getting really queasy, maybe because I don't do well around animal carcasses. The sawing motions I had to use to cut the sternum, and the SOUND--then all the tendons and fat globs I had to cut through . . .just talking about it makes me feel sick. Suddenly, chicken wasn't sounding so good any more. I'm the kind of person who can't have any tendons, veins, or fat in my meat or else it FREAKS ME OUT and reminds me that I'm eating a dead animal. I finally cut down to the inside of the chicken where I found the chicken spine with blood and guts still on it. I kept asking myself: "Am I really about to eat this?"

I know that to many people it's not that big of a deal, but I've had one too many bad experiences with animal dissections in Jr. High biology. I thought about the time I had to dissect a formaldehyde-soaked pigeon in Mr. Lane's ninth grade biology class. I remember what gory lengths I had to go to just to find the pigeon's gizzard. First, I had to snap the pigeon's neck. Next, I had to slit its belly open, cut the sternum, and venture through a heap of blood and guts just to find the stupid thing. Then when I found the gizzard and finally cut it open--oh, the smell!! I have never smelled something so putrid, so foul (haha, no pun intended)! I have never done well with blood, guts, or carcasses (ironically, violence on tv or in movies doesn't bother me all that much, but when it's RIGHT THERE in front of me, that's a different story). I can't remember if I passed out or threw up during that fateful day in biology. I DO remember that it made me very very sick to my stomach. After that day, it took me a while before I could make myself eat chicken again.

Suddenly, I found my mind trapped between that traumatic day in biology and a delicious rotisserie chicken from Costco. Needless to say, I lost my dinner before I even had a chance to eat it. I remember now why I didn't like meat that much when I was a kid.

I put what chicken I had cut off into a bag, forced myself to eat a few pieces (I need to have SOME protein), and put the rest in the fridge for you to eat when you get home! Just remember, I went through a LOT to give you that chicken lol.

After that little ordeal, I went over to visit Bryn. With the Cobalt's battery disconnected, I decided to ride your bike over to her house. I was going to ask you: was that bike made for a midget? I mean, I know we're both short, but we're not THAT short. I know you call it your "BMX Bike", but is it normal for my knees to come above my hips when I pedal it? I guess I am just so used to a mountain bike. Anyway, I think I've grown to like the "ninja bike". Yes, that's what I call it now. I call it so because I have to stand on the pedals rather than sit on the seat in order for me to pedal the bike comfortably. And the way the bike zips through the air, it makes me feel just like a ninja. It's small and fast, just like--! Oh, you get the idea already. You know when you were a kid, and when you played you imagined you were some awesome superhero or something? Yeah, me and your bike--we make a good team lol.

Bryn showed me the garden that she, Drew, and the kids planted. We watched a movie together, and I even got to feel Lyla kick! :) I can't wait to meet her!

I zipped through the dark of night on the "ninja bike" as I headed home. I busted out my Prismacolors and worked on some comic art. I'm really proud of it.

As I got dressed for bed, I noticed a bruise about six inches long on my left thigh. I can't think of where it came from. I wish I had nice enough legs to show it off! lol

There were no zombies to shoot last night. I think they took the night off. I needed a night off, too, so it was ok.

I had a hard time getting to sleep. I miss you.

One more night!

--Jossi

While You Were Out, Pt. 3

2010-05-25T08:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Tannon,

Today is day number 3 1/2 without you. I'm here to report that day number 2 1/2 was a pretty good day. Then again, any day when I don't have to work is a good day. It was a gloomy day outside, and I didn't have to remember to water the tomatoes because mother nature was getting the job done FOR me. But you know me; I like the gloomy, cloudy, rainy days. People have always thought I was a little backwards because of that. Also, I find it ironic that we're quickly approaching June, but I still need to wear a coat outside. That's Utah for you! I was wondering if it was raining as hard down there in Escalante as it was up here. I worry about you keeping warm enough at night. I wish I could be there to snuggle you and keep you warm.

Yesterday started off somewhat slow. I had to run to work and pick up my notary manual to study for my notary test. Then I proceeded to my daily zombie-slaying exercises. Justin and I must have killed a thousand and a half before he had to leave for work. I sometimes wonder if I spend too much time saving the world from flesh eating monsters, but it's a profession I don't want to let go of.

I was expecting to go over to your mom's house to help her paint again, but the lady that was supposed to help flaked out on your mom again. I felt bad. Perhaps I should learn to paint the 'texturized' way so I could just do it for your mom myself.

I got to pick up Lainee from school. I must say that out of all the first graders that came pouring out of the school doors at 2:35, she is the cutest! She carries that cute little bag that Bryn made for her. Once we got home, we had a snack and watched "Word Girl" on PBS until Bryn came to pick her up. It was nice having Lainee's company. It makes me feel good when my nieces and nephews don't want to leave. I love those kids :)

I told you before you left that I was thinking of taking Grandma Rose on a date. You encouraged me to do it, so I did. Even though Grandma is somewhat of a difficult conversationist, I fear that she doesn't have much time left. Every time I get together with her, I'm afraid it will be my last time. I know that when she passes away (which is more likely sooner than later), I'll regret not having spent more time with her. I picked her up at 4:00 and took her to see "Shrek Forever After". Natalie and Copeland met us at the theater. The movie was great, much better than I thought it would be. I don't know why, but the movie made me think a lot about you. Maybe that's because if you were an ugly green ogre, I would still love you. Heck, if you were an eggplant, I would still love you!

After the movie, Nat and Cope had to head home to eat dinner with Jay. Before they left Copeland gave me a big hug and a kiss! I think I have a crush on him now. Sorry, but you're going to have to compete with Lainee, Makai, Kado, Copeland (and soon Lyla) for my affection now! Dang, how did we get so lucky to have such cute nieces and nephews?

Grandma and I then headed over to Applebee's for her favorite meal: Oriental chicken salad! It makes me feel really good the way people treated my Grandmother. Even though they were strangers, they treated Grandma Rose with so much care and courtesy. Since Yesterday was Fremont High's graduation, Applebee's was PACKED, even for a Monday night. As Grandma and I took baby steps all the way to the entrance of the restaurant, A nice young man held the door open for us. When we got into the lobby, there was no seating available. But immediately, a dozen or so individuals got up and offered Grandma Rose their seat. The hostess was really patient with Grandma as she shuffled slowly to the table, lugging her oxygen tank with her. The nice young man who was our server (who was covered in tatoos) talked with Grandma like she was a good friend and helped situate her oxygen tank under the table. Even the manager of the restaurant came and talked to us. She addressed Grandma Rose with a smile and personally welcomed her. I don't know why, but when I see other people treat the elderly with such respect (especially when it's my own Grandma) it makes me feel really good. It makes me myself want to be more patient with older people (ESPECIALLY my own Grandma). When we finished our salads, I helped Grandma out the door as one of the nice servers held it open for us.

On our way home, Grandma started giving me a lecture on how to keep the "spark" alive in a marriage. Sometimes I wish my ears had a mute button.

When I dropped her off at home, I had in mind to hurry home so I could study for my notary test, but I really ended up shooting more zombies. Is there a zombie shooting rehab facility? If so, I think I need to pay them a visit. Hey, SOMEONE has to save the world from them! You'll be thanking me when we REALLY have a zombie apocalypse and I'm the only one who knows how to use an electric guitar as a weapon!

Every Monday night, I start getting anxiety about having to go to work the next day. Usually, the right way for me to remedy this is to spend my day off doing constructive things. I had already practiced the piano, but I figured I should doing something else constructive while I still had some freedom. So I did something. I picked up my pencil and sketchbook and started to draw.

For a while now, I've been afraid of drawing. I've been somewhat "afraid" of it for years. I'm afraid of failure; I'm afraid the picture I draw won't look as good as I want it too. It's kind of ridiculous really. I'm afraid of getting discouraged and not wanting to try ever again. But just like Franklin D. Roosevelt said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."

I can't believe it has taken me this long to discover the solution to the problem. I simply need to reverse my way of thinking, and instead being afraid of failure I need to LOOK FORWARD to the successes! That way, I am more likely to come out with a favorable result. It's all about attitude and spirit. I'm starting to sound like some Jr. High basketball team coach now, don't I?

So I did it. I laughed at fear in the face and, by george, I DID IT. I'm not going to let a silly little fear overcome my desire to be a good artist. I started drawing what's been an object of my attention lately. Ever since I watched "Watchmen", I've been on another comic kick. I found a picture of Dr. Mahattan and started drawing. Througout the sketch, I found that drawing Dr. Manhattan is a great way to learn about muscle structure and anatomy (since he is so ripped). Hey, there's one perk to being a naked comic book superhero (don't take that statement the wrong way).

I had a nice long talk with Natalie over Steam Instant Messenger (I know, technology has made communication so impersonable. It was a good talk, nonetheless). Around midnight, I finally convinced myself that it was time to go to bed. Being the paranoid wife stuck inside a dark house all alone, I decided to check all the locks on the doors; I don't want the hatchet-faced man to come and get me. My heart stopped when I found that the front door was unlocked. I remembered after Bryn came to pick up Lainee, I forgot to lock the dead bolt. The house had been unlocked for HOURS while I was out with Grandma Rose. What if some creep snuck into the house while I was gone? What if he was hiding in my basement? In the extra bedroom?

I looked around the house a little bit and calmed myself down by watching some good old Family Guy. I eventually dozed off to sleep, but with the bedside lamp still on (I've kept it on every night since you left). Small sounds inside the house woke me up and scared the living daylights out of me. I must have been really delirious, because I started thinking this was going to be the last time I saw the light of day . . .er, the dark of night. I had the shotgun ready and propped up against my nightstand JUST IN CASE. I'm surprised how soundly I slept throughout the night. I was even more surprised that I was alive the next morning. I guess the hatchet-faced man has seen me kill zombies before. He knows better than to mess with me.

I text "good night" to you, even though you probably didn't get it. I text "good morning" to you, even though you probably didn't get it.

I miss you! I love you!

--Jossi

While You Were Out, Pt. 2

2010-05-24T19:39:00.001-07:00

Dear Tannon,

Thanks for calling me today. I didn't expect you would be in a place where you got good enough reception to make a phone call. Then again, I guess you weren't expecting to drive to Escalante from your previous backpacking location because it was so cold. It was good to hear your voice. I feel like I haven't seen you for weeks, even though you've only been gone for a couple of days.

Yesterday was Sunday, and as I do almost every Sunday, I slept it. But it was weird without you next to me in bed. In fact, I actually got up a little bit earlier than usual. After scrubbing the kitchen down, I practiced the piano and did some other things around the house. It wasn't long before I exhausted all the things to keep me busy and I started going crazy. Around six, I finally headed out to see our families. I stopped first at my parents' house where I watched "Unbreakable" with my mom and sisters. You know, that was probably M. Night Shyamlan's last good movie; every one of them after that just seemed to go downhill.

Then I went and visited your family. Your mom hung all her pictures up after I finally painted her living room. I got to play with the kids a little, but Kado kept karate-kicking me and shooting me with invisible lasers out of his finger; okay, I get the message! lol I got to have a good long talk with Jess. I don't think we talk as much as I'd like to!

I finally headed home around ten o'clock, but instead of having a husband to come home to, I had a horde of zombies. As usual, I mowed them down with an M-16 and a katana (which I eventually switched out for a baseball bat). I'm glad to report that everyone made it out alive. Well, I have a few bite marks that may just fester and turn me into a zombie myself, but I'm trying to keep positive.

I thought that while you were gone I would keep myself busy with television and brainless anime. But instead of switching on the TV next, I started reading. All the kitties huddled around me as I turned the heated blanket on and together we dozed off. It seems these days that I can't read as much before falling asleep.

I woke up this morning snuggling you--so I thought. Instead of having my arms wrapped around you, they had your pillow in a headlock.

Ummmmm, yeah. I miss you.

--Jossi

While You Were Out Pt. 1

2010-05-23T12:23:00.001-07:00

Dear Tannon,

I'll admit that all last week I was having a mild anxiety about you leaving me for six days, but now I think I've come to terms with it. I was having scary scenarious playing out in my head, scenarious that involved you falling off a cliff somewhere in Zion's National Park, others where you're eaten by a mountian lion or bitten by a rattle snake. But now I realize that you're smarter than that, that you know how to be careful and how to look out for yourself. I hope you have a wonderful time backpacking! I'm sure you needed a break from me anyway! ;)
A couple of days before you left I actually wrote myself up an agenda of things to do while you were away. Hey, I need to keep myself busy SOMEHOW so I don't start going crazy. My first day without you (yesterday) was actually ok. I didn't even really think about you being gone. Right after you left, I went to one of my favorite stores (Barnes and Noble) and purchased a book by my favorite author (Ray Bradbury). Its' called "The October Country". Maybe I'll be done reading it by the time you get back.
After Barnes and Noble, I headed over the Bella's with Nat, Jay, and Copeland. We celebrated my mom's birthday by having Mexican food and then eating red velvet cake afterwards (though I didn't have any cake, myself). I unintentionally napped on my mom's couch until I headed home around nine o'clock.
After that, I did what I do just about every Saturday night: I had a zombie killing spree with Justin, Nat, and Kyle. I actually missed having no one there telling me to get off the computer to come to bed. I must have killed a million zombies in one sitting.
Then I did something that I've wanted to do for about a year; I FINALLY watched "Watchmen", and it was even cooler than I thought it would be. I had dreams about killing zombies with Dr. Manhattan. Crazy.
I had to sleep with your bedside lamp on. Ever since I watched the movie "Paranormal Activity", I've been scared of the dark. And since there was no one to cling to when I heard things go "bump" in the night, the dark was even scarier. However, with the kitties all cuddled around me, it wasn't that bad.
This morning I woke up remembing that you were sleeping under the stars somewhere in Southern Utah. I immediately finished watchng "Watchmen" (I hadn't finished it last night because I got really sleepy, even though the movie was REALLY intense) and then got up, figuring I should be doing something constructive. Gilligan won't stop following me around the house. It seems he does it a whole lot more when you're gone. He meows incessantly at my heels wherever I am, and its actually getting on my nerves.
I told you I would keep busy while you were gone, so I scrubbed down the kitchen, watered the orchid and tomatoes, and did some little things here and there. It's definitely a little lonely here with you gone. I miss you.
One day down, five to go!

--Jossi

Where I Come From

2010-05-22T09:34:00.000-07:00

I am Jossi.

I come from porch swings with rabbits
Blanket forts, snake fields, muddy ravines
and a swingest in the sky
The arctic lands within my dreams
and forest trails, too.

I come from
A tree hut near the school at recess
The Olola Pond, Dakota's fence
Lagoon and Disneyland
The alcoves of childhood imagination
Horse corrals and shoulder-high grass
A quiet neighborhood coul-de-sac

I come from
A skating rink, railroad tracks
backyard igloos in the snow
A sandbox in the pouring rain
A basement or two
The cradle of my dreams and nightmares

I come from
A balcony with no rail
Cloudy days in a blanket
Reliving childhood games with a little boy and girl
in the sun of June and July
Daydreams of Africa and elephants

I come from
pineapple mango afternoons with a best friend
wooden swordfights, spice, science fiction
Long walks with a cat named Monster
Black licorice Octobers and
bitter cold amusement parks
A beautiful almond blossom tree
and a road that leads to white horizons

I come from
Long, dark unfriendly nights remedied with tea
A story and imagination, dying to be divulged
A gazebo, a shelter strung with paper lanterns
and origami birds

I come from
A receptionist desk, a library
Autumn celebrations with children
A trellis covered with honeysuckle
bustling with hummingbirds and bees
Warm afternoons with Ray Bradbury
and dreams of amber violins

I come from
A new house, looking at the mountains
Zombie nights and late reading
Sleepless nights full of reading
Still wondering what lies ahead . . .

Dear Motivation

2010-05-18T13:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Motivation,

Things have been very different since you left me long, long ago. It really isn't the same without you. Please come back.
Since we broke up, I have been a mess. I can't think. I can't function. I sleep too much. I daydream too much about what life was like when we were together. I have become a pathetic mass of unproductivity and lethargy. Why did you leave? I thought we were a perfect match. Well, I guess even the best things can't last forever.
I've been trying to live day to day without you, but it's hard. It seems I can't move on. Yesterday, I woke up and promised myself that I would get a lot done--even with you gone. Instead of writing, practicing the piano, or drawing on my tablet, I killed zombies with Justin, killed zombies without Justin, and pointlessly surfed the internet. Then when I told myself I should at least be doing something mildly productive, I went back to surfing the internet. I even went to desperate lengths and started watching old Strong Bad emails.
Dear Motivation, please come back and give me another chance.

Sincerely,
Jossi

Colors of the Desert

2010-05-10T17:03:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, Tannon and I had a VERY enjoyable visit with Grandma and Grandpa Whittington in Arizona. We always come home after every visit with them with very fond memories. They are very fun grandparents to be around :)

Grandma and Grandpa live close to Yuma, Arizona, and we had the opportunity to go out into the desert with them and see some pretty neat sights. First we got to see the Fortuna Mines, then we had a picnic. You wouldn't think it, but out in the middle of the desert are some pretty colorful sights that you might not expect to see. Just take a look for yourself! By the way, thank you Grandma Betty for helping me find the names of the flowers :)

Globemallow

Purple Mat

A "corkscrew" Saguaro. It was one of a kind :)

Engelman's Hedgehog (can you see the bee flying away?)

Brittle Bush

Globemallow (again. Hey, I can't help it. Orange is my favorite color!)

Mojave Desert Star, one of my favorites!

Staghorn Cholla

Ocotillo (these were everywhere! And they were gorgeous!)

Thank you for such a wonderful time Grandma and Grandpa! We love you and miss you! :)

In Good Company

2010-04-21T21:14:00.001-07:00

There are a couple of nights a week when Tannon has to work really late. Sometimes he doesn't get home until about 1:00 in the morning. I don't always like to be alone in a dark and scary house that I'm not quite used to yet. Tonight is one of those nights. I've spent most of the night writing, trying to keep my mind off of being all alone.

But then I realize I'm NOT alone. As I write there is a huge mass of black fur known around here as "Gilligan" snoozing in my lap. At my feet there's Ginger, a petite calico, and in the chair next to me is a beast of a feline named Skipper. Every day when I walk in the door from work, they gather around me and BEG for attention. This goes on even until I'm in bed and ready to sleep.

But I won't complain. As weird as it may sound, I think cats make great company. That is why I have them. For the past three or so hours that I've been writing, they've all been here keeping tabs on me. It's a nice feeling when they're here in the office with me, simply letting me know they're there. :)

20 Pounds

2010-04-19T17:52:00.000-07:00

I go through periods where I feel totally uncomfortable publishing details about my life on facebook and on blogger. Well, I'm here to say that I'm through that phase now, and it's back into the cyber world I go! Tannon and I just barely got back from our trip last week and I've been too tired to really blog about anything. I have lots of GORGEOUS pictures to post that I took in Arizona! I will write a post about them once I get them uploaded from my camera!

Anyway, in case you're wondering what the title of this post is all about, take a look at that picture. That's ME Christmas of 2005 (click for a closer look). I was SKINNY (probably a little too skinny at that particular time). That was about 30 POUNDS ago. Nope. Not even kidding. I was a size 4 and could get away with wearing my little sisters' pants. I was a B cup then, and now I'm pushing a D. :(

I miss that. I want to be that again. For about four and a half years now, that image seemed unattainable, but I'm DETERMINED now to get there. I know that I will be so much happier with myself. I know that if I can make little changes in my lifestyle, that will soon be ME again.

I will keep you updated on the struggle!

20 pounds isn't too far is it??

30 Hours

2010-04-09T10:25:00.000-07:00

When I have writer's block, I find that writing in different environments helps rekindle my creative energy. Often when I'm in a rut, I will head to some other remote area of the house. Sometimes I'll go as far as heading to the library or the bookstore. There's something about being in a different setting that gets the gears in your brain going.
I came up with a brilliant idea the other day.
Since I will be leaving on my roadtrip soon, I thought, "Why not use all that time in the car to catch up on some writing and revisions?" I could easily plug my laptop into the inverter and type away as we speed through the desert. And since we'll be in the car for upwards of 30 hours during the whole trip, what else am I going to do with all that precious time? Stare at the cactus and tumbleweeds out the window (that part I'm actually looking forward to. I know . . .I must be going crazy).
By the way Grandma and Grandpa, we can't WAIT to spend time with you two! :) We are so excited!
So during the time we are in the car, I think I'll try to take advantage of all the time and work on good ol' lappy. I estimate that if I use the time I could have up to FIVE CHAPTERS completely revised! That'll take a huge chunk out of my summer!
I've also thought about reading the old manuscript of the book I was writing YEARS ago. That in and of itself would take a good portion of the trip. I'm both anxious and wary of reading it again.
Okay, so writing in a moving car DOES count as a different setting, right?
I know, I'm weird.
I just need to do SOMETHING to keep me from going stir crazy.

It's Almost Over!!!

2010-04-08T12:30:00.000-07:00

Throughout our lives, we meet many people who we look up to and would like to model ourselves after. Unfortunately, those people drift in and out of our lives, and often we are privileged to only know them for a short time.
I have met many people in my life whose qualities I'd like to have. Family members, friends, and even coworkers have left a profound impression on me, and I try to keep a bit of them with me at all times by trying to adopt those qualities that I so admired in them. Sometimes I do this with very little success. On the other hand, I'd like to think that those inspiring persons have helped me shape who I am today.
The latest one has been a professor up at the college.
When I first saw him I honestly thought he was a reincarnate of Ghandi---minus the moustache. His presence seemed to exude wisdom and reservoirs of knowledge. He is nearly 80 years old and still sharp as a tack!
I decided that when I'm 80 years old, I want to be just like him.
I want to be able to quote literature, poetry, and scripture from memory.
I want to have the abiliy to speak eloquently.
I want to have read so many books by that age that my brain is bursting at the seams.
I want to be able to glimpse into the mind of many great writers.
I want to be writing until I know everything there is to know about writing.
I want to be able to use words like 'verisimilitudinous' as if it were part of my daily vocabulary.
I want to be able to talk about Hemingway, Faulkner, and Bradbury as if they were personal acquaintances of mine.
I want to have the ability to build an affinity for classical literature into the lives of many.
Today was my last day in his class, and while I'm happy that I won't have to wake up at 6 a.m. on Tuesday and Thursdays anymore, I'm really going to miss his stories and his lectures. I truly have enjoyed his class and his teaching methods. After class I went up to him and told him how much I have enjoyed his class. I told him how sad I was that I wouldn't be there for class next week because of my trip to Arizona.
I talked to him a little, and somewhere in our conversation he mentioned how he had met Ray Bradbury several times and had the opportunity to interview him.
I melted with jealousy.
'What kind of a man is he like?' I eagerly asked.
'Well, he's just about as colorful and imaginitive as a man as he is in his books.'
Right there in that moment, I felt as if I was actually talking to Mr. Bradbury himself.
Then he showed me a letter that Ray Bradbury had written him back in 1995 during their correspondence.
It might seem like nothing to some people, but I was BLOWN away.
HOLY SMOKES.
Only a week or two of school left. It's almost over!!!!

Ray Bradbury was RIGHT!

2010-04-06T16:07:00.000-07:00

Back in one of my high school english classes, we were required to read Ray Bradbury's "Fahrenheit 451". At the time, I didn't care much for it. In fact, after seeing the 1960-something film version of the book I thought it was rather cheesy and dumb. I think the reason I really didn't like the novel was because at that time in my life, a lot of things like books and movies just seemed to fly over my head, and I never really paid attention to any of their elements. It was like some sort of perpetual ADD. Well, it's one of my many regrets from my high school days. I should have paid attention more!
Well, here I am 7 years later reading the book for a college class. It's like I've never read the book before in my life. All of its elements are so fresh and new to my mind; its messages, both implicit and explicit, are so obvious to me now.
But as I've been reading and analyzing this book, I think I've allowed it to unconsciously affect me in a way that it has for many readers.

I have become much more cynical of people and their motives.

I have seen an increased ignorance in people.

I unintentionally see people as programmed "robots" blindly doing what they're told to do without giving it a second thought.

I realize now just how fixated we are on our televisions, iPods, and computers. It makes me cringe.

I see just how much the literacy of our people is dying out. Everything is electronic now.

It makes me wonder if literature will eventually become extinct in the future since we are moving from a literary era to a "cyber" era.

It makes me wonder if Ray Bradbury was a prophet.

It makes me like the name Montag more and more. I know. Sick, huh?

I see many frightening parallels between the world in "Fahrenheit 451" and our own. It really really scares me.

It makes me want to crawl into a whole and become an antisocial person for the rest of my life.

Thank you, Mr. Bradbury, for helping me think myself into hopelessness and oblivion!

But I still love you!

By the way, I LOVE this book. I think it's one everyone needs to read!

"8-bit Abe"

2010-04-01T21:30:00.000-07:00

Introducing my latest "masterpiece". I call it "8-bit Abe". If Abraham Lincoln was pixelated, I'm sure this is what he would look like :P

Acryllic on canvas.

Big freakin' deal . . .right?

Cross your eyes a little and see the MAGIC. lol ;)

My Very Own (somewhat) Andy Warhol!!

2010-03-30T20:02:00.000-07:00

I was having a bad day today. Aside from my insomnia woes (which are STILL persisting, thank you very much), I was feeling particularly unmotivated because of a bunch of small, silly things combined together in one lethal conglomerate. These things consist of: a. The fact that I DESPERATELY need a haircut; b. The fact that I'm gaining weight; c. My knee which still hurts, which decreases my physical activity, which ultimately LEADS to the weight gain; and d. (really, there are so many small things that I can't list them all, so I'll stop here).
Things got so much better when my new boss (who replaced my other one) came up to me today and gave me a BIG hug. She smiled. "Jossi, I just want you to know that I think you're GREAT and I appreciate everything you do! Thank you!"
And that made my day!
It feels nice to be appreciated :)

Feel like I'm being stretched thin . . .more like FAT!

2010-03-27T11:55:00.000-07:00

Boy, there's been a LOT going on lately. Even though last week was "Spring Break", I honestly feel like I didn't get a break at all. I spent the whole week scrambling to get a paper written, studying for a test, and trying to squeeze piano practice and exercise in between school and work. Spring Break went by FAST! But I'm proud to say that I got all my projects and assignments done on time. I just miss not having to get up early for school! :P Oh well. Just a few more weeks, right? And I've promised myself that I would study dilligently and work hard in school for those last three weeks. Good grades, here I COME!!
. . .except I only got a C+ on the anthropology test that I studied forwards AND backwards for . . .THREE TIMES OVER . . .meh
To make things more hectic last week, I ended up hurting myself while I was out running. I'm not trying to brag, but for about three weeks I had been running pretty hard and pushing myself more than usual. I was really proud of myself! but as I sit here at work eating my Cheez-Its and Cowtails, I'm pretty much throwing away all that hard work . . . :P Anyway, I've come to the conclusion that I either pushed myself too hard or I have really crappy running shoes. In the middle of my run last week, my knees started throbbing and aching pretty badly. Despite the pain, I told myself to keep pushing. So I did. This only exacerbated the pain, and it finally got bad enough to the point that I decided to quit mid-mile. Walking home was painful on its own. I felt like my legs were going to buckle beneath me. As I walked the half mile or so back home, I was on the verge of tears.
Not only has this thrown a wrench in my nearly perfected weekly exercise routine, but I am STILL feeling the pain in my knees. It's not nearly as bad as it was when it first started out, but on that day when the pain flared up, I told myself I needed to take a break. Maybe like a two day break? No, more like a WEEKLONG break, and maybe even longer than that! I don't think I'll be able to get out and run for a couple more days, not until the pain is gone. I've had small bruises showing up around my knee caps. I wonder what in the world I did :/
Well, that in and of itself has put a damper on my self esteem. Since I have taken a week's recess from exercizing, I can feel the girl scout cookies and cheez-its slowly congregating in the form of fat cells on my already prominent love handles, my hips, and my butt. It's a very depressing feeling.
Then I log onto blogger this morning and I look at my title picture. "Oh my gosh," I thought, "I'm so much FATTER than i thought I was! My butt isn't THAT huge, is it? And my hips? They aren't THAT wide are they?" I was silently crying on the inside . . .
Until I realized that my browser window was simply "stretching" the picture.
WHEW! What a relief!!

Jossi's Plans for Spring Break

2010-03-16T14:50:00.000-07:00

So . . .a WHOLE ENTIRE WEEK without school!! :) Can you believe it? I am elated!
(too bad it won't make much of a difference, since I'll be doing school work ALL throughout spring break anyway . . .wah)

Things to do during Spring Break:
1. Study for anthropology test next week.
2. Write analytical paper that is due next week for my fiction class.
3. Finish painting for my art class that is due next week.

(some Spring Break . . . *sigh*)

4. Play Left 4 Dead 2!!!
5. Complete revisions on Chapter 4 of my book (for the FOURTH time!).
6. Watch "Azumanga Daioh"!
7. Help Tannon with projects around the house
8. Go running.
9. (maybe) Go tanning! Gotta get ready for that Arizona trip! :)
11. Watch some zombie-related movie with Justin.
12. Movie night with Bonnie on Saturday night!! :)
13. Stay up late (since there's no school to get up for in the morning!)
14. Practice my Chopin on the piano.
15. (possibly) highlight my hair.

Ugh . . .can't wait until this semester is over. Honestly, I've been pushing myself hard to do well, but I'm tired. I want a break . . .

Three things this summer: WRITING, RUNNING, and VIDEO GAMES.

And NO ONE can stop me! ;)

Happy Birthday Grandma Rose!! :)

2010-03-15T22:08:00.000-07:00

This past Saturday my family threw a birthday party for my dear Grandma Rose. She turned 77 on the 13th! It was the Mossi's and the Scholz's all under one roof, and we had a SPECTACULAR time mingling and just catching up! I hope Grandma had a good time too! :)

Jordan (with a crazy bow on her head) and Grandma Rose

Ryan, Uncle Kevin, and Justin (being weird!)

Natalie, Keira, and Nick (taking a picture of ME taking a picture of THEM lol)

Jordan, Me, and Janae!

Happy Birthday Grandma Rose!! We love you!!! :)

Can I brag for just a minute?

2010-03-04T08:11:00.000-08:00

This morning I got my paper back from my professor in my fiction class. The assignment for the paper was a short story or an analytical paper on Bradbury's "Fahrenheit 451". Before I embarked on this assignment, I was torn between which one I should do. I consider myself a very passionate writer, and I LOVE to write stories, but I also have an immortalized love for anything Ray Bradbury. In the end, I chose to write a short story from one of my own life experiences. To those of you who read my blog faithfully (which are few, I'm sure), I wrote my paper on "The Great Canal Adventure" (read it here). However, I did some MAJOR adjustments to the original draft (I actually copied this assignment from a paper I did in English 1010 a LONG time ago. In fact, I basically rewrote the entire thing and stretched it into a ten-page paper. I really wanted to elaborate on the plot and conflict and include some of my own reflections on the event.)
Anyway, I got it back today, and I left class with a HUGE smile on my face.
My professor loved it so much that he wanted to keep a copy to let future classes read aloud.
This not only lets me know that I got a good grade on my paper; it tells me that I can be a good writer! My professor, a published writer himself, had lots of good things to say about my writing style. It felt so GOOD!
Of course, there's the possibility that he was just trying to be nice or something . . .but STILL! I am very flattered.
I was so happy about it that I text Tannon.

Me: Haha. You know how you said when we first kissed you felt like you were walking on clouds all the way home?

Tannon: Ya!

Me: Well, this may sound really stupid but that's how I'm feeling right now! :)

I have confidence in myself now! It may sound really cheesy to all of you, but I think this is what I was meant to do with my life: I was BORN to write stories and share them!
The funny thing is, I wrote this paper in the depths of fatigue and insomnia, and I was really worried about my grade when I first handed the paper in. It makes me wonder, how much better can I write when I'm more alert and functional?
Now all I have to do is get this stupid book written before it drives me INSANE (if insomnia doesn't first).
Those compliments from my professor should get me through the week, I think. :)

Up and Coming . . .

2010-03-03T10:39:00.000-08:00

Road trip next month to ARIZONA! YAY-EAH!

I am UBER excited :)

I NEED this vacation . . .

Wifty Hat Productions

2010-03-02T19:03:00.001-08:00

Hey everyone! Check out this video my bro and his friends made! They are so funny!! lol

New Favorite Song . . .

2010-02-26T19:21:00.000-08:00

I LOVE this song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iI6HKffqh2Y
It makes me want to relive the 90's . . .

It makes me want to wear a wedding dress with a huge bow on it . . .

It makes me want to learn to play the guitar, just so I can learn that AWESOME solo . . .

It makes me happy . . . :)

I love Duran Duran . . .

Insomnia: Part 2

2010-02-25T03:19:00.001-08:00

It's 4:20 a.m. as I am writing this now. I'm wide awake. I have been wide awake all morning. I've done nothing but toss and turn ever since I laid down at 12:30.
My body is TIRED, but my brain refuses to sleep. My head hurts.
I would certainly hate to keep complaining, but this is getting old.
Why is this happening to me?

Insomnia

2010-02-24T07:52:00.000-08:00

I have been experiencing that wonderful thing called 'insomnia'.

For the past couple of weeks, I've had nights where I toss and turn for hours. I can't seem to find sleep no matter what I do. Whenever I closed my eyes, it felt like they were scrolling wildly behind my eyelids. My brain had electricity constantly running through its permeated mass, eliciting random thoughts that would senselessly repeat themselves over and over and over again. Sometimes I couldn't sleep because of certain feelings that had stayed with me althroughout the day. After many consecutive nights of this, I finally resorted to sleep aids and cough medicines. I was astonished that even after taking these, I still found myself wide awake at 3:00 a.m. staring at the ceiling.

I finally tried some other silly things to trick my mind and body into sleep. I tried a few meditation methods. I tried to lock all my sensorial focus on one thing like the feel of the pillow on my face, or the sound of the humidifier in the corner of the room. At one point, I even started playing Enya songs in my head (they used to help me sleep). I tried thinking of my favorite movie or song on the piano. I tried several breathing and relaxation techniques. I had very little success with these methods. I would sleep for about half an hour, only to wake up again, frustrated to the point of tears.

Meanwhile, I was exhausted during the day. My body hurt. My head throbbed. School and work were nearly impossible. Yet, when I went to bed at night, I would be thrown through the same tossing and turning routine, no matter how tired I was.
What is WRONG with me?

I recall going through this a few years back. In fact, this same thing used to be a lifestyle for me when I was eighteen years old, except back then I THRIVED off insomnia. I was a literal insomniac. Certain things happening to me at the time made me lose the desire to sleep. The way I looked at it, sleeping was a waste of time; there was so much you could be doing while you're awake instead of sleeping. I vividly recall staying up through all the hours of the night writing and writing, whether in my journal or on my computer. My fingers would get tired before my mind ever did. I remember glancing over at my alarm clock, and the glowing red numbers would shift slyly from 1 a.m. to 2 a.m., from 2 a.m. to 3 a.m., and so on. I had so much energy at the time, energy that I wish I had now. I would then wake up at 5 a.m. that morning to go to marching band practice, then to school, then sometimes straight to work. I was slightly miserable at times, but there was something so invigorating about it! I was accomplishing so much more at night than I was during the day (in a creative sense, at least). Why was it that all my creativity and drive to write came to me in the late hours of the night when my mind should have been asleep? I wish it were still like that.

I think I know what's been keeping me awake lately, but I could be wrong. One thing for sure, sleepless nights are becoming more and more familiar to me. I think it's going to drive me crazy . . .maybe I should do some yoga before I go to bed . . .

. . .ugh

Seven Years of Bad Luck

2010-02-21T21:47:00.001-08:00

Well, we were in for it sooner or later . . .thanks Tannon! :)

Mission Statement

2010-02-21T11:29:00.001-08:00

Several years ago in high school, my Life Skills teacher (I believe it was my Life Skills teacher) gave us a special assignment. One day in class, we had been talking about 'mission statements' that some businesses and institutions use to outline their goals and purposes. The assignment was for each student in the class to author his/her own mission statement. Anyway, I really loved the idea at the time, and I went to the lengths of typing it up, saving it on my computer, and keeping a copy of it in my journal. I was so enthusiastic about the idea that I believe I even taped a copy of it on my wall next to my bed. Unfortunately, over the years I have drifted away from that mission statement. I'm actually rather disappoineted in myself for doing so. I think one of these days (look, I'm procrastinating!) I would like to reinstate that mission statement in my life. I think I would make a few alterations to it though. I haven't read this for quite a few years. It brings back a lot of memories in doing so.

Mission Statement

Jossi Mossi

I, Jossi Mossi, in the latter months of the year two-thousand and four, do write myself a personal mission statement. This statement shall serve as the guidelines of how my life shall be lived, and I will take it to heart and commit to following these guidelines each day of my life.

I shall live not for myself, but for those around me. I will strive to benefit my friends and family in every way necessary and make an effort to help them in every way I am capable. I will reach out to those who are in need of friendship and kindness and share my love with them. I will be willing to sacrifice great things if I know that it will benefit another. I will show kindness and charity toward everyone and do everything I can to help them through their adversities, without defying my own morals and values. I will set others' feelings and happiness as a high priority, and as a friend I shall uplift and encourage them (as well as continue to love them). I will strive to become a trustworthy, reputable person in the eyes of my loved ones and try to set a good example. I would like to have the privilege of being a shoulder to cry on, being the one who can understand one's feelings, who can comfort anyone who comes to me. I will try to gain all the wisdom I can so that I may provide counsel for others so that I may aid them in their dilemmas and struggles. I will be completely unselfish and make it my lifestyle to live to benefit and offer love to everyone around me. I will do all I can to make those people happy and content with life.

I pledge that I will find the goodness inside all the people whom I will encounter in my life. I will focus on their good qualities and respect them for those qualities. If the person happens to be of low reputation, I will consider their questionable traits and take caution, but at the same time I will accept them and hope that they will have a change of heart; if they are making an earnest effort to improve their lives, I will thoroughly respect them. I will accept everyone for who they are. I will be a good friend to those who are friendless. I will learn to coexist with those who may despise me. I will never criticize another in contempt, for I have faults of my own. Instead, I will find those good qualities within them and love them for those qualities. By doing this, I will be able to love everyone and hold no hatred in my heart toward others. If there is no hatred in my heart, life will be more enjoyable to live, and I will learn to have a love for everyone and if there is no hatred, I will be able to better myself. I will develop a desire to uplift everyone around me and be a person whom they can turn to. I will always offer love and friendship to those in need. I will never turn away someone who is in need. I shall always be willing to go out of my way and to make sacrifices to help my fellow human beings when and if they need me.

In spite of peoples' selfishness, I will love them and accept them. I will hold no bitter anger, no grudge, and no contempt toward someone of selfish character. I hope to never have to experience such feelings of hatred, and I will make it a habit that I will never experience such bitterness in my heart or mind. I am aware that if I were to invite these feelings, it will not only be degrading to the victims of these feelings, but they will degrade me as well.

To make sure that I abide by these guidelines, I will spend less time worrying about and concentrating on myself. I will be unselfish in every way and consider the feelings and comfort of others before mine. I know that while it is important that I care for myself, it is much more important to me that I care for my loved ones. That is where I will find my true happiness.

I will always be optimistic in life, but not to the point of being naive. I look to the bright side. Through my trials, I will always find the time to smile and keep in mind that these adversities are meant to better me and make me stronger.

I will never allow my tendency to be naive and stubborn interfere with the guidelines illustrated in this statement.

I, Jossi Mossi, live for the people around me. I live to be their friend---that is my great desire and privilege. I live to lend a hand, to love, and to share friendship with everyone. I shall not live for this because of this written document, but because it is my aspiration. If I ever find it necessary to amend this statement for any good reason, I shall do so, but I will always continue to abide by the critical points.

I sign this mission statement and promise to live by the principles written within it.

Jossi Mossi

I wish I was still this person :(

What would you do if you had only one more day to live?

2010-02-20T10:55:00.000-08:00

This is just a journal entry I wrote exactly five years ago from today. I was just reading it and pondering the concept.

February 20, 2005

"What's wrong, Marshall?" i asked the greasy-haired kid sitting across from me at the library table. "You seem very, ummm . . .paranoid."
I knew he was putting on this paranoia act just to joke around, but I was curious as to why he was acting so weird this time.
He twitched and began to sink lower and lower into his chair. "The rabid koala bears are out to get us all and take over the world!"
This behavior of Marshall's didn't leave me surprised; it was very typical of Marshall to act this way. I think sometimes that he does it in an attempt to be funny or to draw attention.
I responded sarcastically to his ridiculous, random comment. "Oh geez, looks like it's the end of the world. I better go do all the things that I've always wanted to do, seeing that my life will end any time soon."
And from the moment I made that sarcastic remark on Friday during lunch, I thought of the ever so common question: If you only had twenty-four hours to live, what would you do for those last twenty-four hours?
I have actually contemplated this question very seriously before, and I've come to the conclusion that knowing that I was going to die in just a matter of hours would be so psychologically overwhelming for me to comprehend that I wouldn't know what to do. In fact, with the abrupt news of my forthcoming death, I'm not sure if I would be emotionally stable enough to have the desire to do anything about it at all.
"I'm not sure I would know what to do." I said to my friends. "Knowing that my death was just hours away, I think I would be too shocked to do anything."
"But surely there's gotta be something you would want to do in the latter hours of your life." Zach commented. "Wouldn't there be something in this life here on earth that you would want to fulfill or accomplish?"
"I really don't know." I answered. "But just think about it: if you were informed that you were to die in exactly one day, your mind would probably be bombarded with a flood of emotions--not to mention panic--that you wouldn't know what to do or where to start. It would be psychologically overpowering."
Brittney grinned comically. "I know what I would do! I would watch all the anime that I've ever wanted to watch and read all the manga that I could! That's how I would spend the rest of my life!"
I couldn't tell exactly whether she was joking or if she was actually serious, but then I noticed several questioning expressions directed my way, those of my friends'.
I shrugged my shoulders. "I dunno. I'd probably sit in my room and wait to die, I guess. I'd possibly reflect back on my life and think about a lot of things."
"That's stupid." said Mariela sarcastically. "Why would you just sit in your room? Wouldn't you want to go hug your parents and say goodbye or something?"
"I guess." I muttered, unenthused.
"I'd probably go skydiving." she said. "I've always wanted to do that."
Marshall grinned maniacally. "I'd go off on a killing spree. I could be a sniper!"
I shot Marshall a disgusted look. "Why would you want to spend the last day of your life going around and killing people?"
"Don't you think that would be cool?" he beamed, eyes wide with excitement.
"Marshall, you're disgusting." echoed several voices from our circle.
He frowned. "I was just kidding, you guys!" Silence took place for a moment, and then he glanced toward Zach who was sitting next to me. "What would you do?"
Zach maintained a very stern look. His elbows rested on the table, his hands clasped in front of his face. "That's my business." he said, somewhat serious.
Marshall persisted. "Come on! What would you do?"
"I said that's my business." he said emphatically.
I don't know for sure, but I have just a few ideas of what he would do in that last twenty-four hours. Chances are that I'm wrong, though. He is often very unpredictable. I sighed and slouched a little in my chair. "This is a rather interesting topic of conversation." I remarked.
Zach nodded, agreeing. "It makes you think about what's really important in life."
And it does. I pondered this question even more deeply. I strived for an answer of my own to the question, but I really don't think I would know what to do until I was actually in that situation. Nonetheless, it did allow me to reflect on what is really truly important to me, and I came across some interesting thoughts.
Okay, let's give this a try . . .I'm thinking . . .let's pretend that twenty-four hours from now---at 7:20 p.m. tomorrow night---my life is going to somehow end. How do I feel? What am I going to do? How am I going to spend the last day of my life? Hmmm . . .I can see myself standing on my front porch---no, on Diamond Rock---and I'm looking at the view, gazing off into the horizon at sunset. I'm looking at the red sun sinking behind the Salt Lake to the west. I'm looking at the magenta-colored clouds in the foreground of the lavendar sky and I think "Gosh, I live in such a beautiful world." And now I'm looking at the mountains to the east, those majestic purple mountains overlooking the landscape, and at that moment I'm just dying to fly over those mountains and see what's on the other side. And while I'm at it, I may as well touch those magenta clouds. Now I can see myself sitting under my blossom tree at sunset. I can smell the sweet blossoms and the air is just right---not too warm, not too cold---and there is a slight breeze that causes the blossoms to dance delicately. I'm thinking about how I lived my life:
I grew up and lived my life around so many wonderful people whom I loved and adored. I was a naive fool at times, and I guess I could have been a little more wise in my decision-making. And I'm thinking I'm glad that I didn't take life too seriously because then it would end in such a depressing way, but I'm so happy that I took the time to smile, to laugh, to be overly optomistic, to observe the wonders of life, to study the beauty of this world. I'm glad that I dared to take chances. I'm glad that I smiled in times of sorrow, that I developed the desire to be a happy person. I'm happy that I learned to love the people around me. I'm so glad that I had the opportunity to watch the world go by, to watch people live their lives, and to understand that their lives are just as real and dynamic as my own. I probably shouldn't have been as much of a procrastinator as I was, but then again, I'm happy that I took the time to play and not spend my whole life working. I loved music so much. What would life be without it? I must have listened to my Barenaked Ladies CD a million times over, but I'm glad that I did because I now know all the songs by heart, and I can listen to them whenever I want to in my head. I'm glad that I challenged bad luck and laughed against it, that I decided to not let it intimidate me. I'm glad that I cried during those times, 'cause GOSH sometimes people just need to cry, and it feels so good to just let your emotions out. I spent a lot of time in my bedroom, just sitting there and writing in my journal, because if by any chance someone is curious about how I lived my life and how I reacted to it, they could just sit there and read it and get to know a little more about me . . .if they wanted to. Perhaps they'll discover a Jossi that they never knew. I'm glad that I played the piano, that I drew pictures of dogs all the time when I was in elementary school. I'm happy that I wrote stories, that I put my imagination to good use, and I'm glad that I watched the stars, that I took the time to wish upon them, even though the world thinks it's silly to wish on stars. And why do stars twinkle anyway? Perhaps I'll find out if I ever make it up there to the heavens, then I can touch that bluish-green star that rests in the south, the star that I've always wondered about. I'm happy that I had that window in my bedroom so that I could look at those stars at night, and then when I woke up in the morning, I could see that beautiful periwinkle sky outside. I loved rainy days. I loved gray skies. Most people think that they're really gloomy, and they think rainy days are depressing, but gosh, did I love those rainy gloomy days! I'm glad that I danced outside in the rain while the thunder shook the eart and while lightning flashed all around me. I'm glad that I walked outside in my bare feet a lot of the time because when you're wearing your shoes, you aren't actually feeling that earth beneath your feet, the very earth that you live upon! I'm glad that I loved people, that I had people to love. I may have been overly compassionate at times, but at least I can say that I wasn't heartless. I'm happy that I tried new things, that I tried every ice cream flavor and that I learned to love chocolate covered marzipan, because you know, there really aren't a whole lot of people who like marzipan, but I learned to love it! But keep in mind that I didn't eat sugar too much, because there are much better things in life than sweets. I'm glad that I climbed rocks, went on long walks, rode my bike to the foot of the mountain so I could fight my fear of getting lost in unfamiliar territory. I glad I said hi to random people in grocery stores, spent lots of exclusive time with friends, enjoyed simple things in life, stared out the car window on long road trips and pondered certain aspects of life. I'm glad that I had an ambition to see the world, that I appreciated and loved this earth that I lived upon. I'm glad that I didn't hold any bitter grudges or resent anyone. I'm glad that I at least tried to love everyone! I'm happy that I spent all those mornings in the school library being with my friends, my friends whom I adore and treasure without hesitation. I'm glad that I strived to be tolerant. I'm glad that my heart was broken from time to time because it gave me a chance to cope with it and try to move on, even though it hurts.
I could seriously go on forever. I better stop before I get into it too much.
I hope that I can look back on my life and not regret the way that I lived it. I hope I can be satisfied with the way I lived, to look back and smile about it.

"Suggestion #100: Live this day as if it were your last. It might be!"

---"Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" by Richard Carlson

Who knows? Tomorrow I may just die. Than again, I may live to be 100 years old. But whether that day be near or far, I need to consider the fact that it could sneak up on me unexpectedly, and I should therefore live and love as if it were my last day. Haha! Maybe you should try, too!
I guess, mostly, that's what I would be doing in my last twenty-four hours of life, pondering and reviewing life. Ya, I can also see myself saying goodbye to all my loved ones, but I think what I would want to do most is gaze into a beautiful sunset, savor the beauty of this earth that I lived on, and simply think about how I lived my life, and I want to be able to smile a lot in those last hours. I don't want to have to wallow in regret. No, I want to be smiling when my life ends.
By the way, I just barely thought of a new epitaph!

Here lies Jossi, who was always getting ready to live, but never actually lived. <----old epitaph

In her last hours, she bore a smile
With a soul filled with joy and free from guile

Pretty corny, huh?

What would YOU do if you only had one more day to live???

Obsessive Journal-Writing Disorder

2010-02-18T19:08:00.000-08:00

I think I'm trying to make my manga too realistic when it should really be more simplified. Or maybe I'm just trying to draw too much like the Kishimoto style. I think my mind is unconsciously trying to emulate Kishimoto-kun's, but I've decided that I should develop my own unique style instead of drawing in other artists' styles. June 6, 2004

We were going down a hill, so I gradually pressed down on the brake. My flag, which was in the seat behind me, slid forward as the car slowed down, knocking my frostie right out of the cup holder and getting it ALL OVER THE FLOOR. Funny thing is, it was still completely full! Then Spencer grabbed a spoon and started eating it right off of the car floor. "It's still good!" he said jokingly. Ew. September 12, 2004

Some pretty good things happened yesterday, despite the terrible feeling I was left with after my bad day two days ago. The best thing that has happened to me in a long time took place yesterday morning. Someone called me their "best friend", and you can't even imagine how good that made me feel, how good it's still making me feel. November 19, 2004

But that's the problem, Zachary. Sometimes I wish I didn't like you so much like I do. I shouldn't be pursuing this. Truth is, this will all turn into a disaster one day, and I think I'm going to be really hurt. But at the moment, I adore you Zacharaiah. Did you know that? December 19, 2004

But thank heaven (literally), God puts nobody on hold. He listens, even it we may think he puts his earplugs in when we get down on our knees and start crying out to him. He's there listening. We may doubt that when our prayers aren't answered immediately . . .we human beings are so terribly impatient, even with God. The Lord may not always answer our prayers when we want him to, but he will always answer them on time. March 17, 2005

Without the use of my right arm, how could I be the drum major and lead the band? How would I be able to play the piano at the hospital tomorrow and the following Saturdays to come? How would I be able to paint my pictures, to write in my journal, to type my stories on the computer, to do my sign language project due this coming Tuesday, to sign yearbooks this coming Thursday, to dress myself, to shower, to do everyday activities? May 27, 2005

Carol and I never fail to have an enjoyable visit and a friendly conversation. Her presence puts a smile on my face and warms my heart. She'll tell Jered and the other employees: "This girl, Jossi, is so special. She's very kind and unique!" I'd like to think that she comes back every night to see me, but I don't know for sure. Some people may find it weird that a seventeen year old girl and a sixty something year old woman are good friends with each other, but I'm very grateful indeed for the wonderful friendship that I have with Carol. July 21, 2005

And then I went home, and I felt terrible. I was extremely irrtiable, isolated, and I felt too terrible to be able to sleep. It was like I was in emotional shock; for some reason, everything seemed to be so incredibly wrong. Nothing is right anymore. Friends, family, school, self-image--everything is so skewed, it seems. Hollow. That's the word. It feels hollow. September 20, 2005

And it came to me several nights ago while I was between sleep and awake. It came to me as an epiphany; I realized that my fear isn't of anything but myself. I'm afraid of myself, and that's why I despised myself all those months back. I think that's why most of my teenage life (including now, at times) I've had such an ill self-image, such ugly self esteem. December 19, 2005

This song "Drifting" by Enya always makes me think of the ending of "The Entropy Flower", the first installment of the series I am writing. Ander is taken away, damned to the Mydia dungeons at the consequences of a crime which was actually committed by Shea. As they are associations of Ander, accused as being the Wraith Witch, Deveron, Shea, and Cain are exiled to a dark Labyrinth of forest where the actual Wrait Witch resides. Kol, a young Kemlar, looks out onto a dark rainy landscape from his tree dwelling in hopes that his brother Otholor shall quickly return from his journey to guide and protect Shea. Kol is not aware that Otholor has been slain by the Blood Drinker Ezekiel. May 28, 2006

I wonder if this is the way people feel before they become quiet, distant people for the rest of their lives: tired, blank, lost, confused, sorrowful, subliminal. Is this what it's like to have no one, to lose your friends, your family--everyone? I'm by myself, to myself, because my life has only been a selfish pursuit. That's all. August 25, 2006

Back in October, Brittney and I went together to a tarot card reader, and though I've never believed much of that voodoo stuff, I was curious to see what a "reader" could "read" in me. Througout the reading (my reading), the card reader revealed aloud that I had lost my "best friend" (aside from other freakishly accurate things about me that she revealed, such as certain medications I was taking and my past history, family relationships, etc.). May 4, 2007

I received a strange anonymous message over the internet last night on my Facebook account. I can't tell you word for word exactly what it said, but I will write it down for you once I have access to the internet. He said that we had known each other in the past, and apparently he was someone who knew me well. The message was sent from a person under the name "Usta Knowya". April 16, 2008

Anyway, this conversation that Tannon and I had . . .I told him that when we have a family I don't want to foster the habit of speaking that way. I want to encourage our family to find the good in everyone, to be non-judgemental, and to never speak unkindly about others. We promised each other that if we ever caught the other speaking hatefully that we would speak up against it. September 20, 2008

It's really good to have Andrew and Becky back. When I went to their house last night to visit them, it was like they had never left! They haven't changed at all! We talked for a good hour and a half, just catching up and talking about their missions. We laughed and reminisced. The great thing about the Pennocks is that I feel so comfortable around them. I can be myself without worrying about being criticized or judged. May 14, 2009

Despite the damage to this cherished place of mine, I suddenly remembered who I was when I used to come here. In an instant, I remembered the kind of person I was in these foothills, the feelings I felt, the thoughts I thought. This use to by my own realm of silence and peace. I remembered how precious this place was to me, how soothing it was to my soul. Upon these trails, I had the deepest and most profound conversations with inner self. I tried to talk myself out of things, and sometimes I would even try to talk myself into things. November 3, 2009

Valentine Cookies

2010-02-15T18:41:00.000-08:00

THIS is my cute nephew Makai frosting a heart-shaped cookie . . .

THIS is my beautiful niece Lainee showing off her cookie (with a smiley face on it) . . .

THIS is a plate full of valentine cookies . . .

And THIS is me and my sister Bryn being dorks . . .what we do best!! lol

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!! :)

Happy Valentines Day!!! :)

2010-02-14T11:27:00.000-08:00

I got a special delivery of 3 dozen roses at work on Saturday!! ;) It was quite a surprise!

For YEARS, I have wanted a beautiful wood hutch like this one to put decorations and stuff on! It turns out, my sister Bryn didn't want hers anymore! She was going to give it to DI, but Tannon snatched it from her just in time to give it to me as a Valentine's Day gift :) So I guess you could say it was a gift from Tannon AND Bryn. I can't wait to paint it and put more stuff on it!! (notice how the "Holy Grail" is the first item on the shelf!)

Now for TANNON's gift . . .

Tickets to the Monster Jam show at Energy Solutions Arena!! Neither of us had seen a Monster Truck show before, so this was our first time! It was really quite fun, and LOUD. Pretty romantic, huh? Yeah, I thought you would agree! ;)

This Monster Truck was my favorite, just because of the funny picture of the cowboy on the side. :) It was called the "Bounty Hunter", and it ended up getting the most points of all the monster trucks in the end!

Does anyone know that guy from the Maverik commercials, the one with the kind of funny voice? He was the one driving THIS monster truck. He was really good too!

The "Gravedigger" biffs it majorly in the end!! Everyone cheered really loud!

I love you Tanny!!! Happy V-Day!!!

Coolest. Music Video. EVER.

2010-02-10T20:57:00.001-08:00

Okay, since I really don't have much to blog about at the moment (I actually have PLENTY to blog about, I simply don't have the time!), I decided to post one of my favorite music videos, just because I haven't been able to get it out of my head recently. I haven't seen a whole lot of music videos, but this one is definitely one of my fav!!

More to come soon . . .I PROMISE!

Breakfast in a New House

2010-02-07T08:57:00.001-08:00

I love going into the kitchen every morning and seeing THIS out the window :) I can't wait to hike it in the spring and summer! A hiking trail is literally just down the street!

Tannon is a very tired man. Aside from unpacking/cleaning the old house/fixing gutters, dishwashers, and whatnot, he deserves some rest. We went all the way to Smith's last night after ten o'clock to get some ice cream, only to return home and not eat it anyway. Instead, we laid in bed and watched a weird British show called "Dr. Who". We got to sleep in until 9:00 this morning. To us, that's a lot! lol

Oh, this is another thing we did last night. Can any of you guess what it is? BLINDS!!! :) Yes, we no longer live in a fishbowl! I can walk around my house late at night without being afraid that there are creepos looking at me through my window!

I absolutely LOVE Big Lots and TJ Maxx. These are just two of the reasons why!

By the way, I played my first game of Bunco last Thursday night with my sister Bryn and some ladies at my new church! I had always heard of the game but never played it. It was such a blast! Everyone wins a prize in the end, and this is what I got! I call it the "Holy Grail". I think it will look pretty in the kitchen once I get some decorative shelves up.

That's all for now!!

I Have Emerged!!!

2010-02-02T09:35:00.001-08:00

From the nightmare that is moving and unpacking!! For three days now I have been stuck in the dark abyss between moving from one house to the other . . .
Okay . . .so it hasn't been THAT bad. It's definitely an exhausting process though. Saturday afternoon, my mom, dad and brothers all came over to help us move. Tannon and I already had stuff packed mostly into boxes, so there was just loading to do and whatnot. We got everything over into the new house in one and a half loads (thanks to my dad's truck and my father in law's trailer!). Nat, Jay, and Bryn all met us at the house and helped us as well. We are so lucky to have such wonderful family!
I'm going to keep this blog post short (I will be posting more about the move later), but I wanted to share with you some things I've noticed/experienced while in our new house. Here they are:

1. I think that for quite a while, we'll constantly be referring to the "old house" and the "new house".
2. I feel like I'm living in a fish bowl right now. Our blinds were supposed to be shipped yesterday. Unfortunately, they are being shipped to the "old house". Don't know how that's going to work out. I really want my privacy already! For crying out loud, can't someone walk around in their OWN house in their OWN underwear? Sheesh . . .
3. While cleaning out the kitchen cupboards, Tannon and I found a bid from a contractor to do the repairs for the house after it caught fire a few years back. Turns out, the previous residents were stealing electricty from the church bowery right behind us. Then karma must have turned against them and caused the house to catch fire. Turns out, the whole east side of the house was charred. Luckily it's all fresh and repaired now. But still, I've already had nightmares about the house catching fire again.
4. I really take pantry and closet shelves for granted.
5. Our garage can potentially double as a swimming pool (in other words, there is a leak in the foundation . . .bad news).
6. Speaking of the garage, I don't think my husband should be allowed near a garage door ever again. He was trying to fix the garage door himself (what a hard working man (:) and nearly sliced off three fingers. He bled for quite a while, and at the time it happened, his face flushed white and he was about to pass out. I had to change his bandages several times throughout the day. The stubborn man won't go to a doctor! lol Luckily, he hired a professional to come out and fix it!
7. CLR is your friend! (a scary post about the hall shower soon to come!!)
8. I have an absolutely GORGEOUS view of the mountain from my back porch!! ( I will post a picture!)
9. 500 extra square feet REALLY makes a huge difference!!
10. I take towel racks, toilet paper dispensers, toothbrush holders, and much more for granted.
11. I'm still trying to figure out how Tannon and I have accumulated so much stuff over our 2 1/2 years of marriage. We are not pack rats by any means, but we have a LOT of stuff. At least my mom and dad think so :/
12. I have already seen a huge spider down in the basement. Now I am hesitant to go down there.
13. I can literally walk down the street to my sister's house!! :) I'm so excited to be her neighbor! I will get to see my niece and nephews more often!
14. I miss the water at our "old house". But Tannon is going to put a water line to the fridge so our ice/water dispenser will work. That way the water won't taste so bad!
15. We put our 37" TV in our living room and it's quite a distance away from the couch. I have to squint to look at it. Maybe I should get contacts. Or maybe I should just start wearing my glasses again.
16. The acoustics in the house are much different than in the last one. Back at the "old house", my piano was in the teensy extra bedroom next to the master bedroom. Now the family room at our "new house" is big enough to have the piano in it. But the acoustics are so much different. And I don't want my piano hidden away in an "extra" bedroom. Guess I'll have to readjust the settings on the piano. Damn.
17. After all the packing/moving/unpacking, all I wanna do is play video games and slurp Jamba Juice all day. I know. Pretty pathetic.
18. I have a super man for a husband! :)
19. It feels really weird to call the house "our house". At the same, it feels so satisfying :)
20. There is a hole in the attic in the hall closet. After seeing the movie "Paranormal Activity", this really scares the crap out of me.
21. Now that I think about, there may even be "alien ghosts" in my house (lol Natalie will know what I'm talking about!).
22. I'm really excited to pick out paint colors for this house. I can't wait to get samples!
23. I have the best families in the world!! :)
24. My niece Lainee and my nephew Copeland are great little helpers :)
25. I miss having the TV in my bedroom. I have a hard time falling asleep.
26. One of my favorite hikes is just right up the street!! :)
27. I am butt tired.

More to come soon . . .

Songs of the Moment

2010-01-29T08:32:00.000-08:00

I am not a fan of today's pop artists (I prefer pop OLDIES), but there are two songs I keep hearing on the radio that I can't get out of my head, and I love them!

"Already Gone" by Kelly Clarkson
"Thinking of You" by Katy Perry

I don't really like either of these artists, but I LOVE these songs. If you haven't heard them, listen to them!

Oh and by the way (this is somewhat unrelated), I've fallen in love with the song "Hey Jude" by the Beatles. Thanks to my dearest and awesomest pal Bonnie, I got the sheet music for the song, and I'm learning to play it!! :)

On another note, we signed our closing papers yesterday for the new house. We start moving in tonight!! :) I packed up my whole kitchen last night, and I'd hate to complain but I'm exhausted lol!

More to come soon . . .

The Insanity . . .will it never end??

2010-01-27T20:28:00.000-08:00

Packing, packing, packing! For the past couple of weeks, it seems like all we've done is packed! Since we are moving in Friday/Saturday, we've really rushed it the last few days . . .

Dishes, small kitchen appliances . . .check!

Books, decorations, art stuff, etc . . .check!

Animals . . .check! ;)

Office stuff . . .check! Garage stuff . . .check! Pictures . . .check! DI clothes, bathroom stuff, guns, ammo . . .check!!

By the way, this is my "packing" face. See the glint of insanity in my eye??? SEE IT??

I feel like I'm being swallowed whole . . .

2010-01-26T13:58:00.000-08:00

. . .by my New Year's resolutions!
Okay, maybe just one of them.
Remember my goal to have my book finished and ready to be sent to a publisher by October of this year? Well, first thing this year I sat down and wrote down in my calendar the days by which I should have certain chapters completely revised. For longer chapters, I allowed myself two weeks. For shorter chapters, only one. I felt good about it. I had established a regimen and was determined to stick to it.
But unlike my other goals for the new year, this one has had little success, the ONE goal that I planned on pouring my whole heart and soul into. What's wrong with me, I kept asking myself. Am I just unmotivated? Am I just lazy?
Quite the opposite, in fact.
I reckon that when I drew up the plans for these goals of mine, I did not factor in the time that I would be investing into school, family, house buying, etc. I was perhaps a little over-ambitious when I made this writing goal. I got behind the moment the goal started. I found myself getting tangled up in schoolwork, reading for school, packing, cleaning the new house, and family affairs. None of these are necessarily BAD distractions, but I soon started to feel like I was sinking in quick sand. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't find adequate time to write. But that wasn't the only problem. I couldn't force myself to write even when I did find the time. Whenever I had to push myself to write, my writing was contrived and bland. It was instant writer's block. Suddenly, writing became a chore. I found it harder and harder to put the words onto paper. I became frustrated to the point of tears . . .I know, I'm pretty pathetic.
So I've come to the conclusion that I CAN'T make this an assignment. I have to go about it at my own pace, and as long as I'm not forcing myself to do the thing I love most, I believe the words will come out a lot easier. As is frequently said, "You can't rush art!" (and yes, writing CAN be a form of art)
So I've decided to put a hold on this goal, at least for now. Perhaps in the summer when I don't have school, I will have more time to work on it. But at the moment, having to meet certain deadlines makes me feel overwhelmed and depressed. Why couldn't I just be like Crichton or Grisham and spit a new book out every year?
Now, however, I'm coming up with so many more ideas. Every day, I think of new dialogues, characters, plots, twists, and turns. I'm so excited for you to read it someday, and I hope you will like it!

To Grandpa

2010-01-15T15:36:00.001-08:00

Dear Grandpa Great,

I wanted to write you and tell you how much I've missed you since you passed away on January sixth. I am so glad that I was able to make it to your funeral. All of us are so happy that you are back in Grandma Beth's arms, and we are even happier knowing that you are back with your Heavenly Father.
You know, I feel pretty lucky. Not many people my age have a great grandparent. Some of them have never even grown up knowing one! I am proud to be called your great granddaughter (one of many!). You planned the most extravagant Fourth of July and Christmas parties! I miss them so much! I remember when Grandma Beth died about nine years ago. I cried, mostly because I knew how much you would miss her. And you did. For those next nine years you longed to have Grandma back, and just a couple of weeks ago that wish was granted. I hope you know that Natalie and I have taken care of the "green" piano book that you and Grandma Beth gave to us. It was printed in 1943 (when Sergei Rachmaninoff was still alive!). Whenever I look at it, or whenever I play a song out of it, I inevitably think of you or Grandma Beth. I consider it to be a great treasure of mine. We will always take good care of it. I will cherish it just as much as the special Utah quarter you gave me. You loved to collect coins, so Uncle Mark says.
Grandpa, I will always remember the collection of hats from around the world that you and Grandma Beth displayed in your home. When I was little, I always wanted to try each and every one of them one. You must have had different hats from a dozen different countries! I will always remember that coffee table in the living room with all the sea shells in it. I will always remember the little birdcage you had in that same living room. I will never forget when I interviewed you for a history project in junior high school. I was asking about your experience as a pilot in World War II. I will never forget how you started sobbing when you talked about the friends you lost in the war.
Grandpa, as your life was coming to a close, it hurt me to see you in that old decrepit body. I could tell that you were in pain; you were uncomfortable in that body of 85 years old. You had to do without Grandma Beth much longer than you had to. I think when you were over for this last Thanksgiving at my parents house, we all knew that you were ready to go home, home to Grandma Beth, that is. That was the last chance I had to talk to you, and I remember now what we talked about. I asked you where you got that neat carved cane. You told me you got it in Mexico with Grandma Beth years ago. You always mentioned Grandma's name with so much fondness. It always made my heart swell with emotion. I also mentioned to you that I was looking at pictures of you when you were a young man, and I commented on how handsome you were. You laughed. I wish now that I would have talked to you a little bit more.
I have recently been to the funeral of a young man whose time was cut too short. At that funeral, everyone was sobbing and crying, just as they deserved to. But at your funeral, Grandpa, we were so happy for you. We would miss you dearly, but we were rejoicing over your reunion with your Beth. Throughout the service of the funeral, I felt pretty calm. Even when I walked up to your casket, I couldn't find the tears to cry. You looked so peaceful, having the slightest of smiles on your face. I didn't recognize you at first, but as I looked past the cosmetic adjustments, I saw you right away. Your sons told stories about you that made us laugh and smile. Your granddaughter Stephanie offered a lovely eulogy that made every eye in the audience shed a tear. It wasn't until the graveside ceremony that my emotions were really set loose. After the gun salute, somebody played "Taps" on the trumpet. And that's when I really started to cry.
I keep a picture of you on my desk now. I do so because you are such a symbol of integrity and kindness, and I want to try and reflect those same qualities. With you there watching me, I am reminded every day to have a heart more like yours. Whenever I have a question in my mind, I consult with you (or your picture, more like). Your smile helps me to keep going every day, and to meet everyone with kindness. I love you and will miss you! But I know one day I will get to see you again!

Love, Jossi

What I want to be when I grow up . . .

2010-01-11T15:08:00.000-08:00

Working on it!!!

A Year in Photos: Recap of 2009

2010-01-07T20:38:00.000-08:00

Painting the kitchen, March

Disneyland with the Whittingtons, April

Tannon shaves his mustache, April

Andrew and Becky return from their missions, June

Making dry ice bombs on Independence Day, July

"Music in the Mountains" with Justin, July

Stake Pioneer Trek, July

Visiting Grandma and Grandpa Whittington in Wyoming, September

Kittens!!! :) October

Trip to Washington D.C. with the Mossi's, October

Awesome time with cousins!! December

Ben comes home, December

Christmas, the day I finally became the owner of a Wacom Tablet!!! :) December

Goals for the New Year 2010

2010-01-05T12:57:00.000-08:00

I know this post is a little late, but I have been busy the past few days jump starting my New Year's Resolutions ;) So far lots of success, but I'm not letting myself get too excited, because that will make me lose my focus to accomplish them.
After lots of thinking over what I want to accomplish this New Year, I have found that there is much I want to achieve. However, setting a goal for all these things would leave me overwhelmed, and I get overwhelmed easily. So I decided to choose a few that would be some of the most worthwhile to me. I wrote them down on a pad of paper along with a list of steps to help me obtain those goals. Here is what I came up with:

GOALS FOR 2010:

Finish "The Entropy Flower" by the end of October: However, it will most likely be done BEFORE then. With only two chapters left to write and revisions being done about a chapter every week, I predict that this goal will be completed a lot faster than that. Now I know that last year and the year before that, I said I would have the book done "soon", but I feel confident this time. I am so much farther than I imagined I would be, and I'm glad it has taken me longer to get the book done because in the meantime I've been able to add a lot more interesting twists and turns into the story line, and it has given me the time to write more carefully. I am already done with my final revision for chapter 1. In addition, I have made a calendar of dates by which I should have certain chapters done and completely revised. My brother Justin has been kind enough to carefully critique the first chapter of my book, so he gets a little sneak peak at it ;) In order to accomplish this goal, I will also research publishers and find one that I would like to go with. My art teacher from last semester let me know about some local publishers that are gaining more and more recognition. I would really like to look into local publishing as an option, but I definitely want to get my book "out there" so more people can enjoy it. If you are interested in reading some chapter excerpts from my book, you can visit http://www.writersblock-constantine.blogspot.com/ Invited readers only. Send me your email address if you would like to read it.

Lose 15 lbs (reach 120 lbs.) by my birthday, October 27th: I'm not going to lie. I have always struggled with reaching and maintaining a certain weight. Ideally, I would like to be 120 pounds, maybe even 115 like I was in high school. My biggest problem has always been exercise. I can eat healthy, but I can't get motivated to get out and move. This past summer, I finally tried running a mile (I have always been really bad at running) and I found out that I can be really good at it if I keep practicing. I also enjoy the nice relaxing feeling after running. It sounds kind of funny, but I actually look forward to exercising now. However, due to the cold weather, it's been hard for me to get outside and run (I went running yesterday in the cold and my lungs practically froze!), and I don't own a treadmill or a gym membership. This makes me more excited for the warm weather months, as I will get to go out and improve my times. As far as eating healthy, I am usually pretty good at that. I have made a goal to eliminate most refined sugars and to eat more whole foods. My body seems to have a problem with metabolizing refined sugar anyway. I get a strange pain in my legs whenever I eat something with a high sugar content, a pain that seems to be associated with diabetes or other blood sugar problems. This will hopefully give me more incentive to avoid sweets (though it can be hard)! I will record my weight at the end of each month to track my progress. Wish me luck!

Make more (healthy) home-cooked meals: I'll be the first to admit that I'm not up to par as a housewife. Okay, so I've been a wife, but as far as homemaking goes, I've fallen very short. I guess I can't help it since I have work and school full time, but I know there are areas that I need to improve on that could benefit Tannon. Ever since we got married two and a half years ago, I have never been really consistent on making home-cooked meals. When we come home from work, we usually snack on stuff or simply go without dinner. This can result in Tannon's crankiness (he always gets grouchy when he's hungry) or unhealthy food choices. On occassion, we have resorted to eating out, which is even more unhealthy. So I decided this year that I would make a commitment to make more meals. I will make a menu every week and then go out shopping for ingredients. This menu will hopefully consist of healthier food choices like meat and vegetables. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to start this New Year's goal yet as I am broke at the moment, but as soon as we get paid I'm writing up a menu and looking for new recipes! I'd also like to invest in a crock pot so we can cook dinner while we're at work and have it ready when we get home! :)

Find a job that pays better: Funny thing about this one! I was so intent about going out and finding a better paying job since we recently bought a house. Just today, however, my boss pulled me into her office and let me know that she was offering me a promotion! Very soon, I will be a loan interviewer for the credit union (kind of like a loan officer but I have to get loans approved by a manager). So I'm wondering if I can already check this goal off my list! We'll see! :)

This New Year looks pretty promising!! :)

You know what I do when I look at this? I LAUGH!!!

2009-12-29T13:00:00.000-08:00

I was so ambitious last year on New Year's Eve as I wrote up my goals for 2009! But during the first couple of weeks of the New Year, the ambition slowly died off. No surprise, huh? I'd hate to say it, but I failed at most of these goals, but I did meet a few. I have never really been big into the New Years Resolution thing, but I figured that as I'm getting older now, there have got to be some things I can improve on, right? Also, I have had the tendency in the past of setting some unrealistic goals because I set my expectations for myself way too high. I get a little too excited about some goals and actually end up forgetting to put the energy and initiative into them. Well, hopefully things will be different next year. Get ready to laugh, because these were the goals I set for the Year 2009, most of which remain unfulfilled!

GOALS FOR 2009!!!

And take note of how I carefully categorized all of them ;) lol

PHYSICAL:

-Eat less refined sugar; eat mostly natural sugars like fruit (okay, I didn't stick with this one for the whole year round, but towards the end of the year I've gotten really good at it . . .except for around Christmas time, of course. It seems that this leg pain I've been having lately has been linked to my blood sugar problems; whenever i would eat something with lots of refined sugar, that's when the leg pain seemed to be at its worst, so hopefully this goal will be really easy for me this coming year, since it will help me avoid that pesky leg pain ;)

-Reach and maintain at least 125 lbs. (I actually won't give myself too much crap for this one. I've maintained between 130-135 throughout the year, so it's not too bad. I'd like to carry out this same goal for the newcoming year, though)

-Do more physical activities (eg. hiking, biking, swimming) in the spring and summer (Let's just say I didn't go on a single hike this year! I was too self conscious to get into a bathing suit, and for some reason it seems like we were really busy during the summer. I can't remember what. Probably means I really wasn't all that busy. :/)

-Grow out my hair until it is long and blond! No more cutting it short! (haha, EPIC fail on that one! My hair got really long in July, of course long for me is down to my chin lol. Then on an impulse I chopped it all off! I'm still trying to decided now if I want to grow it out that long. Everyone says I look better with short hair.)

MENTAL:

-Read at least 12 books throughout the year. (This IS a goal that I reached, and I think I actually surpassed it! I want to read even more this coming year)

-Have "The Entropy Flower" finished and ready to be sent out by March 31st (HAHAHA!! This is the one that makes me laugh the hardest! What was I thinking when I thought I would have the book done that quickly? Oh well, I am SO close to having it done this time! I know it! So close, in fact, that I am CERTAIN I will have it done this coming year! Of course I said that every December 31st for the past four years! haha! I WILL make it this time! I WILL I WILL!!)

INTELLECTUAL:

-Find a piano teacher and take piano lessons! (This is another one I accomplished, though it wasn't that hard to do. After so many years of NOT taking piano lessons, I finally decided to go back to the piano teacher I had when I was eight years old. There is only so much you can teach yourself, you know? I am so glad I decided to go back and take lessons, because I'm learning at a much faster rate than I ever would have on my own!)

-Save up money to take an art class at Weber State in the fall! (Okay, I don't know why I didn't just write down "Go to school" as a goal. Perhaps at this point I wasn't really planning on going, and the only class I was remotely interested in taking was an art class. I guess you can say that I surpassed this goal as well, since I took more than just one class at Weber State. So, accomplished! ^_^)

FINANCIAL:

-Save up at least three months of income. (We did 'okay' on this goal. We had a pretty good amount of money saved up until a couple of funny things happened, like a broken water heater, cars breaking down, school, etc.. Oh well, crap happens right?)

-Pay off at least one credit card or pay down auto loan to at least 6000.00 (HA! Total fail on this one! Though we really increased our savings!)

Okay, so my report card from this year doesn't look too great, but I have a better feeling about this coming year! :) Stay tuned to hear my goals for next year!!

Dear "Santa"

2009-12-25T19:13:00.001-08:00

You certainly had me spoiled this year. Not only did we find out the day before Christmas Eve that we are purchasing a home, but in addition to that we got lots of lovely gifts!

How did you know that for the past few years I have wanted a Wacom Tablet so badly? I can't wait to try it out! For such a long time now, I have wanted to get my name out in the digital painting field, and now I can make that possible with this nifty little gadget! I look forward to building on my art skills with it!

I think Tannon really enjoys the earphones and the gun case that you got him! He was so ecstatic to find that he could fit his shotgun and his two rifles in it! The earphones are pretty neat also! They are electric, so whenever he goes shooting it will cancel out all loud sounds above a certain decibel level. Pretty cool stuff, huh?

I LOVE these boots! :) As I have been watching lately how many people are wearing them, I have wanted some of my own. They are so comfortable and cute! :) And for someone who is really lacking in style (myself!), I think these will help out a lot!

The sweater is beautiful! It is almost like the one you got me last year, but it is a little different!

You don't know how excited I am to read these books, but I'm more excited to read the one on the right than I am to read the one on the left! I've even forgotten myself how much I love Michael Crichton, and ever since he died I have wanted to read some more of his books! I didn't even know this latest book of his existed until you got it for me! Thank you :)

I absolutely love this picture of Christ. For a long time now, I have wanted a beautiful portrait of Christ to hang in our home, and i think you found the perfect one! It also was good reminder to me of what the true meaning of Christmas is!

I know exactly where I want to hang this custom made decoration when we get into our new home! It is absolutely beautiful! :) It makes me proud of our name!

Uhhhh . . .we won't go there ;)

We got lots of neat gifts this year, but the greatest presents you could ever get me aren't "things". The best gifts you could ever get me are the wonder people I have in my life, including family and friends. I am so very grateful for them, and each and every one of them light up my life!

My sister in law Ammy

And you know who this guy is, don't you? ;) I'm especially grateful for him! :)

My beautiful little niece Lainee

My goofy brother in law Rennan

My adorable nephew Kado!

My beautiful sister in law/best friend Bryn! :)

My nephew Makai aka "Bumblebee"

My sister Natalie and my handsome little nephew Copeland!

My wonderful father aka "Santa"

My "little big" brother Ryan! (and don't worry, this picture was staged :) lol)

My younger sister Aubrey

My dear Grandma Rose

My other little sister Larissa

My cool older brother Justin!

My wonderful mother!

All these people here (and the many unmentioned/unpictured) are the greatest gift I could ever receive! I am certainly very blessed to have them in my life! Thank you for giving me and my family such a wonderful Christmas! See you next year, Santa!!

Oh, and here's a little something in advance. For my Christmas gift next year, can I please look like this again?

Okay, I know you can't see the rest of me, but I'd really like to be twenty pounds lighter like in this picture! Let's just say you owe me because you're delivering my hubby's Christmas gift a couple of days late!

Nah, forget it. Save it for the New Years Resolution!!

Merry Christmas to ME!! (and Tannon lol)

2009-12-23T14:19:00.000-08:00

We must have been really good this year because . . .

SANTA IS GETTING US A HOUSE FOR CHRISTMAS!!! :)

In other words, the bank accepted our offer :)

We are moving on January 23rd!

I'm so excited!!!

Welcome Home, Benny Boy!! :)

2009-12-22T20:43:00.000-08:00

It was eight years ago that I walked into my eighth grade art class at North Ogden Junior High. As I quietly took my seat and waited for the class to start (it was the beginning of a new semester), I looked around the room to get a good look at my fellow classmates. I immediately took note of a spazzy kid in the corner of the classroom playing with action figures which he had fashioned out of styrofoam and rubber bands. Throughout the first few weeks of art class, I made sure to keep my distance from him, because I was fourteen and "too cool" to be seen hanging around "weird kids" like him. His name was Ben.

As I got to know him more in that art class, I found out he was an extremely talented artist with quite the imagination. We had two other mutual friends in the art class and often walked to seminary together. I never would have known that throughout the years, he would become one of my best and closest friends. We took art classes together in high school where he offered me plenty of constructive criticism which has today made me a better artist. We often played "night games" in his huge backyard, and one time I even broke my arm falling off his rope swing (which he blames himself for). Most of the time, we were silly with the rest of our group of friends, but whenever I needed advice or simply just someone to talk to, he was willing to be serious.

For the past two years, he has been serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and he's finally home! We're glad to have him back! :)

And the good thing is, he hasn't changed a bit! lol

This is what's been consuming my life for the past 4 years!! D:

2009-12-22T08:33:00.000-08:00

But you'd think I'd be DONE by now with all the time I've had!

Current stats on "The Entropy Flower":

Chapters: 15
Pages: 326 (single spaced!)
Words: 217,618
Characters: 1,261,097
Paragraphs: 3,546
Lines: 15,783
Revisions: 3

I thought I had TWO MORE CHAPTERS to write, but then I decided to split one up. So I have THREE MORE CHAPTERS to go and a couple of more revisions and I'll be DONE!!
DONE DONE DONE!!! Then I'll be FREEEEEEE!!!
. . .until books two and three need to be written of course D:
I'm doomed!

Things I've Done This Month (that I couldn't do while I was in school)!!!

2009-12-19T09:19:00.000-08:00

1. Played Half Life 2
2. Visited my cousins up in Springville
3. Watched Neon Genesis Evangelion (haven't seen it in YEARS)!
4. Went Christmas shopping
5. Bought a new sketchbook and started drawing in it
6. Had a night of pointlessly surfing the net and sitting around in comfy PJ's
7. Stayed up until five in the morning
8. Did something at work OTHER than studying for my math!
9. Watched Christmas movies
10. Bought a new video game (Super Mario Bros. Wii)
11. Downloaded "Paranormal Activity" and got so scared that I couldn't sleep for two nights! D:
12. Wrapped Christmas presents, then realized how bad I am at wrapping
13. Watched "Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog" . . .and liked it for some reason
14. Went out to breakfast early in the morning with coworkers
15. Went to the Olive Garden with my in laws for my mother in laws birthday
16. Went house hunting
17. Found a house we really liked
18. Submitted an offer for a house.
19. Received counteroffer for the house.
20. Submitted counteroffer for the house.
21. Played the waiting game.
22. Watched "Dragonball Z Abridged" on Youtube (which I find hilarious for some reason)
23. Went to a friend's house to provide my voice for an English language patch for a Japanese video game.
24. Bought a beautiful pink and yellow poinsettia!
25. Wrote in my journal (I'm way behind)!
26. Started up revisions (yet again) on my stupid book!!

THE END!!!

So what have you been doing now that school is out??

Final Grades . . .

2009-12-17T08:25:00.000-08:00

Drum roll please . . .

Drawing 1: A
Intermediate College Writing: B
Beginning Algebra: A-

Yay . . . . :)

Too bad none of them are really hard classes . . . :/

We Rock!!!

2009-12-16T18:54:00.000-08:00

This past weekend I got to spend time with my cousins! It was a blast! :) Just some pics I thought I'd share. Photography courtesy of me and Nick ;) lol

Playing Beatles Rockband!

Me, Jordan, and Janae jamming out. lol I love Jordan's face in this picture haha :D

My cousin Nick and his beautiful wife Keira!

Uncle Kevin taking the mic! :)

Travel

2009-12-11T19:50:00.001-08:00

One of the best things about being a writer is that you occassionally unearth small treasures that you wrote about long ago that you have forgotten entirely. To my pleasure, this has happened to me many times. Every now and again I'll be sifting through some old stuff, notes and scraps of paper with silly lines or excerpts on them (I never throw them away), and I'll come across a little thing like this that revives so many sweet memories. I was looking through some old documents on the computer, and I just so happened to stumble across this little poem I wrote probably four or five years ago. I was in Hastings browsing through the book aisles, and one book really stuck out to me, a book of photographs from all over the world. That moment back then inspired me to write this poem shortly after. I really don't wanna go over all the "copyright" crap. Please don't steal my poem. Plain and simple as that.

‘Travel’, bid the aisle
‘Twas the third shelf on the right
To travel is in style
Perhaps someday I might
Pamphlets, geographics
and a plethora of maps
I read of tourist tactics
One day, I’ll go . . .perhaps
Photographs tell tales
of the places far and near
The whole spectrum of the landmarks
From Alaska to Zaire
And so I long, so I ache
to taste of the adventure
to trod the soil and feel the air,
the many cultures to indenture
I take a seat within the aisle
and sift through every page,
and then begin to look thereon
the beauties of
Malaysia, Hawaii, the blue Carribean,
Norway, Finland, Estonia, and Sweden
Micronesia, Polynesia, Fiji, New Zealand
Great Britain, Québec, Ireland, Greenland
Egypt, Nigeria, Kenya, Algeria
Russia, Latvia, Lithuania, Siberia
Paraguay, Uruguay, China, Japan
Mongolia, Portugal, Austria, France,
Italy, Turkey, Sicily, Spain
Switzerland, Serbia, Belarus, Ukraine
From North Pole to South Pole, to the equator ‘round
If I get to those places I will finally be sound
I close the books shut, and then in slight despair,
I long for those places:
How I wish I was there!

Dear Stephanie

2009-12-09T19:13:00.000-08:00

I can never thank you enough for the new outlook on life you have given me after sharing your story. When I discovered your blog, The NieNie Dialogues (www.nieniedialogues.blogspot.com), I could not stop reading about how courageous and faithful you have been through these trials of yours. You have inspired me to be a better person, daughter, wife, and church member. I know that there are many others out there who have been touched by your story, people who need hope, people who need more faith, and people who need the reassurance that God is out there watching over and protecting each and every one of us. Thank you for reminding me that we have a Heavenly Father and a Savior who love us very much, and that they will never put us through more than we can withstand.
You are a very beautiful person in many ways. I hope that strength and happiness continue to find you. Take care, and God bless.

Jossi

Quote of the Day

2009-12-09T09:50:00.000-08:00

"It is common sense to take a method and try it: If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something." ---Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Yellow Hair

2009-12-08T11:18:00.001-08:00

Never again . . .never again . . .yuck!!

Apparently, I'm Married to the Devil

2009-12-07T15:45:00.001-08:00

Makai says the funniest things! If you guys didn't know by now, Makai is my nephew who is four years old, and he can be SO hilarious! Today, Tannon and I went over to my brother in law Andrew's house because he was going to show us some houses (he is technically our real estate agent now). Anyway, he was telling us about something Makai said earlier, and this is supposedly how it went.

Andrew: Makai, guess what! Uncle Tannon and Auntie Jossi are coming over!

Makai: Tannon teases me all the time, daddy. I think he's Satan.

L O freaking L!!

I dunno. What do you think?

Christmas Music is in the Air

2009-12-01T14:20:00.000-08:00

But I have one little problem.
I don't know about you guys, but I really don't like the modernized pop-style Christmas songs that are coming out. I am more for the classics like
"Baby, It's Cold Outside" with Dean Martin, or
"Little Saint Nick" by the Beach Boys, or
Bing Crosby's "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas" or
"Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" by Judy Garland or
"Let it Snow" by Frank Sinatra or
"Santa Baby" by Eartha Kitt
and many many more!!!
by the way, I literally MELT at the sound of Frank Sinatra's or Dean Martin's voices!
I guess I just feel that the new pop Christmas songs are a little obnoxious and irreverant. But those are just my feelings. There are a lot of new Christmas songs I enjoy. For example, I really enjoy Celine Dion's Christmas album, even though her voice can be a little overbearing at some points :/
But my favorite Christmas music of all time has to be "The Forgotten Carols" album. It's probably my favorite because I remember my mom listening to it every Christmas. lol, the same thing with the Chipmunk's Christmas album :)
What do you guys think? What is your favorite Christmas music?

I Am Thankful For . . .

2009-11-26T20:05:00.000-08:00

This is a little late for Thanksgiving, but oh well!

Family
Friends
My husband
My piano
Music
My home
My job
Warm bed
Kitties
Art
College
Transportation
Freedom
My talents
This beautiful earth
Memories
Good food
Books
Hope
Love
God
Good health
Student loans
Electric blankets
Diet coke
Cloudy Days
Laughing so hard you cry
People who listen and understand
Nieces and nephews
Photographs
Dreams
Stars
Animals

. . .and so many more!! :)

I'm just curious what you think . . .

2009-11-25T20:01:00.000-08:00

Is this puppy CUTE or UGLY??

Conversation With My Nephew

2009-11-23T20:11:00.001-08:00

This is my nephew Makai. He is four years old and I ADORE him like I do all my nieces and nephews :). What can I say, I'm a lucky auntie! Anyway, I was at my sister in law's house yesterday making calzones with her. Makai was watching an animated movie called "The Thief and the Cobbler".

Me: "Makai, what are you watching?"

Makai: "Peach and the Cobbler!" (aka "Thief and the Cobbler")

Me: "Oh really?" *pauses and looks at TV screen* "But where are the peaches? I don't see any peaches!"

Makai: "No peaches, Jossi. Just humans."

Me: "Well, why don't they call it 'The Human and the Cobbler"?

Makai: "Because . . . .! Human cobbler is gross, Jossi!"

Don't kids say the darndest things? :)